Chronic Pain

So I didn't end up going to the doctor anyway. I don't think they were too happy about that. See, I haven't been there since September... was supposed to go back the end of November but couldn't get in until today. I can't go anytime from January until the end of May because I will be student teaching. We don't get any sick days like a regular teacher does--if I miss school, I have to make it up after graduation. So... that's a long time of me not seeing my doctor. I woke up exhausted and sore, as usual. My mom called and talked to the nurse. She explained that my back was really sore and that I had blood work done right before Thanksgiving. The clinic here in town is going to fax the results to my surgeon. I don't think my doctor will be too happy with me when I go back in May, but I can't really help it.

My back has been absolutely awful lately. I'm trying not to state "my back hurts" 30 times a day. I have a few friends who, everytime we talk, the whole conversation is focused on how horrible things are and how they want this or this or this and can't have it. Life is tough--that's true. But it can be really annoying to hear nothing but negative from someone. So I'm trying hard to keep quiet about my pain.

That's why I like writing here--I can be honest, and people can choose to not read it. The last two weeks or so have been awful. The pain is so intense and prevents me from really doing anything. I can hardly stand to sit up or stand--even laying down hurts a lot. I don't like to take my pain medicine because it makes me so tired and gives me a bit of a stomachache and headache. I do take it when I can't function because of the pain--but to take it every day would cause me to live my life in a daze. I don't like the way that feels.

I am just sick of the pain. I've had pain since I was about 8... it got really bad when I was 17 or so. But since then, it's gotten 100 times as bad. I remember sitting in a desk in high school with pain shooting up and down my back... and that strong pain I felt then is every day 24/7 pain now.

People really don't understand pain... not this kind of pain. They think pain is a headache, a broken bone, or a pulled muscle. Yes, those things are painful. But they have NO idea what it's like to live with this level of pain every minute of every day. There is no break; there is no relief. Even with pain medicine and the heating pad, there is still pain. I cannot remember the last time I had a minute without pain--it's been a long time. Years, definitely.

I just get so worn out and down sometimes because of this. My life is great right now... I have wonderful family and friends, God is helping me transition into adulthood, and there are no major obstacles in my life. Nobody close to me is sick or dying, I'm not struggling financially (I mean, I don't have money--don't get me wrong.. I'm a poor college student.. but God provides). Life is SO good--except this pain.

But this pain is not just a headache and it's not just one day a week. So even when my life is amazing and things are going very well--there is still a part of me that says "life stinks" because I feel horrible all the time.

I wish people understood. I try to explain it as best I can, but people won't really understand until they experience it. Sometimes it feels like a waste of time trying...

I'm going to go sit up on my bed and read my book for a bit. Going to escape into the Baxter family and see what their lives are like in book 4! I can't wait to get the last book and finish this series. Karen Kingsbury has many series--I never thought I'd enjoy them, but rather would prefer single books that are not related. I am finding that I actually love them a lot! I'm excited to pick out my next series. I also need to get to the public library and get a card (I had one years ago but can't find it). They may have some good books there! :) Hope everyone is doing well.