So long 2009!

Today is the last day of 2009... and the first day of the rest of my life!

I know it's a bit cliche, but I can't believe 2009 (and the last decade) are truly coming to an end. This year flew by like all the rest, and I can't believe it's over!

This year was a year full of changes. So many changes that I can't even list half of them--I probably couldn't even tell you about them. I just -feel- like so much has changed, even though I can't put it into words.

2009 is the year I:

* had surgery
* lost 105 lbs in 4 1/2 months
* moved back home/left Madison for good
* considered a new path for the rest of my life
* finished being involved with InterVarsity after 6 years
* rediscovered my love for reading
* ...and so much more!

2010 will be the year I:

* student teach
* graduate
* decide if I am physically able to teach or not
* either start graduate school or look for my first full time job
* complete a challenge to read 100 books in 2010
* ...and so much more!

I am excited about where God is taking me. I'm currently looking into two schools for grad school: USD and SDSU. I'm a bit nervous to even consider SDSU since they were so quick to tell me "You can't do this--you have to change your major" before. I have to keep reminding myself that this would be different people and a different college completely. I am waiting to hear back from the schools.

I am excited for student teaching, though I am scared out of my mind. That's normal, so I'm thankful. I am so ready but feel so unprepared. Sounds like that's not possible, but trust me--it is.

I got $150 gift card for clothes for student teaching from the Lee's for Christmas. Yesterday I got a $350 voucher from Voc Rehab for clothes! So between the two I have $500 to spend--I am excited. I've never spent that much on clothes before. I'll be looking good when I teach! =)

My friend Holly is back from China for Christmas. She's having a New Years Eve party tonight at her house. She throws a little get together every time she comes home. It's really the only time I see her and all my old CCF friends, so it's a good time. Each time I go, there are more people that I don't know, because I don't hang with this group of friends anymore. Still, it's a lot of fun to reconnect and hang out. I am still undecided on if I'm going or not--it totally depends on my pain level. I have quite a bit of pain today, but it feels better than yesterday at least. That is a good thing.

I want to wish everyone out there a Happy New Year. I hope 2010 is filled with family, friends, love, and joy for all of you!

Chronic Pain

So I didn't end up going to the doctor anyway. I don't think they were too happy about that. See, I haven't been there since September... was supposed to go back the end of November but couldn't get in until today. I can't go anytime from January until the end of May because I will be student teaching. We don't get any sick days like a regular teacher does--if I miss school, I have to make it up after graduation. So... that's a long time of me not seeing my doctor. I woke up exhausted and sore, as usual. My mom called and talked to the nurse. She explained that my back was really sore and that I had blood work done right before Thanksgiving. The clinic here in town is going to fax the results to my surgeon. I don't think my doctor will be too happy with me when I go back in May, but I can't really help it.

My back has been absolutely awful lately. I'm trying not to state "my back hurts" 30 times a day. I have a few friends who, everytime we talk, the whole conversation is focused on how horrible things are and how they want this or this or this and can't have it. Life is tough--that's true. But it can be really annoying to hear nothing but negative from someone. So I'm trying hard to keep quiet about my pain.

That's why I like writing here--I can be honest, and people can choose to not read it. The last two weeks or so have been awful. The pain is so intense and prevents me from really doing anything. I can hardly stand to sit up or stand--even laying down hurts a lot. I don't like to take my pain medicine because it makes me so tired and gives me a bit of a stomachache and headache. I do take it when I can't function because of the pain--but to take it every day would cause me to live my life in a daze. I don't like the way that feels.

I am just sick of the pain. I've had pain since I was about 8... it got really bad when I was 17 or so. But since then, it's gotten 100 times as bad. I remember sitting in a desk in high school with pain shooting up and down my back... and that strong pain I felt then is every day 24/7 pain now.

People really don't understand pain... not this kind of pain. They think pain is a headache, a broken bone, or a pulled muscle. Yes, those things are painful. But they have NO idea what it's like to live with this level of pain every minute of every day. There is no break; there is no relief. Even with pain medicine and the heating pad, there is still pain. I cannot remember the last time I had a minute without pain--it's been a long time. Years, definitely.

I just get so worn out and down sometimes because of this. My life is great right now... I have wonderful family and friends, God is helping me transition into adulthood, and there are no major obstacles in my life. Nobody close to me is sick or dying, I'm not struggling financially (I mean, I don't have money--don't get me wrong.. I'm a poor college student.. but God provides). Life is SO good--except this pain.

But this pain is not just a headache and it's not just one day a week. So even when my life is amazing and things are going very well--there is still a part of me that says "life stinks" because I feel horrible all the time.

I wish people understood. I try to explain it as best I can, but people won't really understand until they experience it. Sometimes it feels like a waste of time trying...

I'm going to go sit up on my bed and read my book for a bit. Going to escape into the Baxter family and see what their lives are like in book 4! I can't wait to get the last book and finish this series. Karen Kingsbury has many series--I never thought I'd enjoy them, but rather would prefer single books that are not related. I am finding that I actually love them a lot! I'm excited to pick out my next series. I also need to get to the public library and get a card (I had one years ago but can't find it). They may have some good books there! :) Hope everyone is doing well.

Finally had Christmas!

Yesterday we were finally able to go to the Lee's and celebrate Christmas and Dr. Lee's birthday. It was a lot of fun! I had quite a bit of back pain, so I struggled a bit, but I had a wonderful time. There were 12 of us there: Dr. Lee, MaryJo, Doug, Catherine, my mom, Ross, me, Kent, Pravara, Yi, Song, and Yan. We always have such fun together. Yan was new--it was so fun to meet her. :)

I was anxious all day to get to present opening time. We had made a photo book for the Lee's with pictures of the last several years of holidays we've spent together. We included letters from those who have spend holidays with them. I couldn't wait to give it to them! They LOVED it! MaryJo ended up in tears, as did my mom. They looked at it briefly, but I can't wait to find out what they thought of it after they were able to read it fully. =) It was such a nice gift.

From the Lee's, I got a $150 gift card to Younkers to buy clothes for student teaching. I'm excited about that--very kind of them! I need some clothes (I gave away clothes that were too big for me, and only have 3 pairs of pants left that fit--but they are all getting too big). Clothes are expensive, so it's so nice that now I can use this and don't have to try to find the money!

Tomorrow I have an appointment in Sioux Falls to see my surgeon. The appointment is at 1 pm. If I'm feeling up for it (and if my mom is, if she goes along), I'll maybe go check out Younkers. I don't want to spend it all right away (since I'll hopefully go down a few sizes throughout the semester), but now is the best time with after Christmas deals. Lots of things are on sale.

Wednesday I meet with my Voc Rehab counselor, Emily. We'll hopefully talk about them buying me some clothes for student teaching. I'll also give her a print out of my grades--my 4.0! Woohoo!

I went to bed early last night. We got home around 10:30 or so. I was in bed around midnight and asleep by 1. I woke up this morning and drank 2 bottles of water--I was so thirsty.

I ate lunch, but I didn't even get all of it down and it came back up. =( The last several days, my stomach has been touchy. When I eat, I feel very sick. I can be eating and feel just fine--but then I take one more bite (not feeling full yet, so it's not that) and get severe stomach pains and feel so sick that I need to lay down. I'm trying to eat slower to see if maybe I just am not realizing I'm full, but that doesn't seem to be helping. Who knows... since I didn't keep my lunch in me, I'm pretty hungry right now.

My mom got me books 3 and 4 in the series I am reading. I got them on Saturday night. Was up til 2 am reading book 3--I read it start to finish. I also started book 4--read about 360 pages that night. I didn't read yesterday and haven't read today either.

I have a fever today and had one a few days ago. I'm not sure if I have something and that's why I am having issues eating--or what. I have a headache and feel worn down and exhausted, so I may be sick with something mild.

I wanted to take a nap this afternoon, but wasn't able to sleep. Just don't feel very good. I'm very thirsty so I think I'm going to attempt to go get some water. The next few days will be pretty busy for me! :)

Snowed in

Still pretty much snowed in. I personally have only left the house one in over a week, though it is possible to get out the door. It's nasty out there.

I just talked to my friend Ashley. I texted her to see if they were going to get to Urbana, a big missions conference that InterVarsity puts on every 3 (I think) years. I believe they were going to leave yesterday morning. Then the blizzard came and the interstates closed, so they couldn't. She just called me and said they are going to pray and leave! The interstates are back open! Yippee! Please continue to pray for safe travels for them. There are around 20 going from SDSU... I am not sure how many from DSU. I do know that there will be THOUSANDS from around the country--many will have to drive in some sort of bad weather to get there. So please pray for that.

I was able to have homemade pizza for lunch, and was even able to eat some of the cheese! It made me VERY happy! Was so yummy. I was so excited, so I ate a little too much, even though I stopped before it was all gone. My stomach was a bit upset for awhile, but is better now.

Christmas with the Lee's has been postponed again until tomorrow at 2. We'll see how that goes.

Between feeling a bit sick from lunch and feeling very sick from the chicken my mom was cooking, I just wanted to rest. I laid down and ended up sleeping for quite awhile. I rest for several hours, even though I didn't sleep the whole time. It was nice to just rest.

Now I feel better, but still have a ton of pain. I also have a bit of a fever. My back has been really bad lately--because of the cold and all the snow. My mom says we got about 17 inches of snow. Even a dusting of snow can cause lots of pain, so it is pretty extreme right now.

Last night I got frustrated with how much time I spend doing nothing: playing games on the computer, watching TV/movies... I do those things to relax and have fun. We all need that. But on days when I don't feel good I do those things for 10-15 hours! That's a huge waste of time. I'm torn because I can't really do much else. I can't get up and go volunteer my time or go shovel or bake for someone else. There's not much you can do lying down.

Still, I was very unsatisfied. I spent the rest of my night curled up in bed under my blanket and spent some time with God with worship music in the background.

Today I turned MSN off and closed my computer for 3 hours, but then I fell asleep. I'm trying to be more conscious about how I spend my time.

I am going to try hard to pick up writing letters again. I'd love to make a card each time I write someone, but I don't have that much energy. I do want to buy a pack of fun lined paper, because that will help motivate me. I'd like to write Catherine, who is MaryJo's mom. She lives in an assissted living place. There are other people I know who could benefit from a nice letter every once in awhile. It's an easy way to brighten somebody's day.

Gavin is sleeping next to me on my bed. :) I love that he loves to lay with me. Bailey and Kado lay with me sometimes, but not like Gavin does.

I'm thinking I'm probably a bit dehydrated because I have been craving water like crazy. I think it's cool that our bodies 'tell' us when we need something like water by making us extra thirsty. I don't understand how God created our bodies, but it's pretty darn amazing!

I still haven't replied to the grad school yet, so I am going to try to get that done before Monday. Maybe I'll work on it today--we'll see. I'm just not feeling well and lack motivation. That's nothing new, but it's sad.

A while ago, I bought these change jars on QVC. They are blue, and are the electronic kind that recognize what coin you are putting in them and keep a running total of what is inside. I have collected over $80 in change. I planned to use that for student teaching clothes, but I may not need a ton. Quite a bit of what I still have for shirts still fits (though they fit much better than they did before). I DO need some new pants, but will be getting a bit of money (not sure how much) from Voc Rehab to buy clothes. I may not even need to use that money! That means I can come up with something else to use it for, like books! Or I can keep saving for something big! We'll see. I've had the money in there for a long time, and haven't touched it. I'm quite proud of that.

My mom said that for my stocking, (since apparently she didn't get enough for it--though I think she did), she is going to get me the next two books in the series I'm reading. I don't have books 3-5, so I'm excited to get the next few. I am reading a book right now that I agreed to review, but it's not as easy to read. Sure, it's good information, but the Karen Kingsbury books I just don't want to put down! I'm about halfway done with the book I'm reviewing--will be glad to finish.

I am going to post this and drink some more water so I can find something else to do. Hope everyone had a great Christmas and is staying warm!

This is Christmas?

Last night was good. I was in so much pain all day but didn't say a word until after we opened presents. I didn't want to spend the whole day complaining. My mom and I went to church--other services in town were canceled, but my church still had ours. While it was cold and yucky outside, it was worth it to go to church. I love the Christmas Eve service!

Then we came home and ate supper. I miss our old tradition of making homemade pizza on Christmas Eve. We didn't do it because I am the one who forces the issue every year, and I haven't been able to handle mozzerella cheese. But as soon as we can get to the store again, I want to try it. See, I eat my pizza in a weird way. I pick off the cheese and create a pile of cheese that I save for the end (because it has always been my favorite part). Then I eat the crust and sauce... and it's yummy! So I want to make homemade pizza again, because even if I can't eat the cheese, I'll enjoy the crust and sauce. Sounds weird, huh? But it's yummy.

So instead we ate and then opened presents. Was fun, but I knew all 4 of my gifts ahead of time. Still enjoyed getting them, of course. I got a blue down blanket, a beautiful mother of pearl ring, a cool insulated lunch tote that looks like a purse, and a set of keychains that say "Faith", "Hope", and "Love" and open up to be a little clock. I, of course, put "Hope" on my keychain. I gave "Love" to my mom, and will find a place for "Faith".

I stayed up until after 2 am reading. I finished The Shack, read Blue Like Jazz, and am now reading a book I got for free to review.

I slept until 11, but was in too much pain to get up so I didn't move much before 12:30.

It just didn't feel like Christmas... my mom brought my stocking in with two chocolate treats in there for me. They should last a LONG time, because I'm technically not allowed to have sugar. I eat a tiny piece for a treat every once in awhile, though.

We were supposed to go spend Christmas with the Lee's, but this blizzard complicated things. They couldn't get out to go get MaryJo's mom from her assisted living apartment. There was a LOT of snow and more to come--so they called to postpone it until tomorrow. It snowed this afternoon and we are supposed to get more, so personally, I don't see how that makes much sense. I think it'll be worse tomorrow--so I am not going to get my hopes up that we will be going. We'll see. I understand that safety comes first, but it's supposed to get worse today, not better.

I didn't eat anything until about 4 pm, and when I did, I felt extremely sick. Ugh! The smell of my mom's lunch and whatever my mom and brother had for supper both made me feel sick, so I have stayed in my room all day.

I rested this afternoon, reading and playing games. Gavin was laying with me for the last few hours, but Bailey just jumped up and started fighting with him so Gavin got up and left. Ugh.. problem cat.

I ate some green beans for supper. My mouth hurts so badly. I have a very sharp pain if I chew on the right side of my mouth. I shouldn't, since they did work there. I can't eat on that side of my mouth. It's a pain, but I don't have the money to go back and figure out what's wrong. I wouldn't want them poking around anyway without sedation, so it'll never happen. -sigh-

Now my cats are just sitting on my floor fighting with each other. We took down the Christmas tree today. It was more work than it was probably worth--the cats were horrible with it. It was nice while it lasted. I don't think we've ever taken the tree down before Christmas was even over.

Like I said, it just doesn't feel like Christmas. That's not a bad thing... it just doesn't. It feels like a blizzard-y day in January before school starts. Nothing feels special about it.

I am looking forward to getting some good sleep tonight--I HAVE to remember to take my sleep medicine tonight, because I haven't for several days.

Tomorrow we'll go to the Lee's if the weather is decent. Otherwise, it'll probably just be another lazy day of reading and dinking around on the computer.

I woke up with an awful headache, and my back has been horrible the last few days. It makes sense, with the snow and cold weather. It stinks, though. I feel awful and just want to sleep--that's not how I want to spend each day. It's almost like what people feel like when they struggle with severe depression, except I'm not depressed--just in pain. But it's just this feeling of... ugh... I don't have the energy to do anything because I feel awful and just want to rest.

It's not fun. =(

I'm hoping and praying for a better day tomorrow. I've had several days like this in a row, and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

I need to get the heating pad back on my back, and find something productive to do. I hope everyone out there is having a very Merry Christmas, and that people around here are staying safe and warm inside!

Christmas Eve!

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve!

Sure, it's only a little after midnight, but crazy. Most years I am so eager to exchange gifts and celebrate Christmas that this day never comes fast enough. Now, I could easily wait another month.

I do love Christmas, but it's been one crazy year. I can't believe how fast it's gone. I suppose that's not a bad thing.

I am looking forward to both tonight (opening presents with my mom and brother) and tomorrow (Christmas at the Lee's). I have to finish wrapping a few gifts for the guests at the Lee's--I'll do that in the morning.

I am bummed because I was REALLY looking forward to going to church tomorrow, and was hoping my mom would come with me. But she said several times tonight that she wasn't going out again til Christmas Day when we go to the Lee's. If we get 18+ inches of snow (after sleet), I understand.. but I look forward to the Christmas Eve service all year. I don't think I feel safe to go alone in this bad weather. Stupid blizzard.

It should be a good day anyway--I get to relax at least.

Today I was supposed to get together with my stepsister and her daughter, but she had to cancel. We'll try again next week.

After I found out she had to cancel, I got sick anyway, so it is probably best.

My dad called me this afternoon to let me know he had gotten my Christmas present (but hadn't opened it because he was waiting for my stepmom to get home). We talked for an hour and forty minutes. Was a good talk, and I was able to thank him for the gift he sent me. =)

Family is good and important all year, but so so so special during the holidays.

I am thirsty and would like to get up, get some water, and read for a bit but my cat Gavin is laying down between my legs on the blanket and I can't get up.

I read until 3 am yesterday morning--I finished the book I was reading. I am going crazy now because it's a series... I've read books 1 and 2, but don't have 3, 4, and 5. So I was a bit bummed that I didn't have a book to start.

Instead I started reading The Shack by WM Paul Young. I started reading it last year and read 50 pages, but lost interest. I read chapter 1 before heading to bed last night... today I've read to page 72. Hoping to finish it before Christmas Day, but we'll see!

I'm going to check my e-mail one more time and then go read a bit before bed. I'm tired, and will hopefully be asleep by 1:30 or 2 am. =)

I may or may not update tomorrow after we open gifts and whatnot--we'll see.

Either way...

Merry Christmas!

Lots to do!

I got quite a bit done today, though it's nothing that you can physically see.

I didn't do anything this morning after I woke up. I ate lunch and then I started working.

My friend Bunny and I were talking about when I applied for SSI/disability/whatever before. I was denied two times because I hadn't worked enough, apparently. I think I was maybe applying for the wrong thing, but I can't remember. She suggested I e-mail two people and see what they think about me applying again. I typed out an e-mail to them. I explained who I was, why I was writing them, and what the problem was. I sent the e-mails off, so we'll see if and when I get a response.

Then I finished a gift for my mom and wrapped it. That's the only one that you can physically see! Everything else I did was on the computer or phone.

I then called and made an appointment to see my Voc Rehab counselor Emily next week.

We're supposed to get 12-18+ inches of snow by Christmas--yuck! I hope it's better by next week and the roads are good. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday, and an appointment with Emily on Wednesday. If I can't make it to Sioux Falls on Tuesday, I don't think I can go in any time before summer. That would not go over well!

I also have some errands to run next week to get ready for student teaching. I have to find the Brookings School District business office (didn't know one existed--so I need to find where it is) and go talk to them. We have to have fingerprints done and a background check before we can student teach. Mine got sent to Madison this summer. I have to go ask if they will accept the old one, and if so, ask Madison to mail it here. I hope they accept it. If I have to do it again, it'll be another $50, and I don't have that!

I paid my electric bill and enclosed a letter asking them to disconnect (in Madison) on December 31st.

I made plans to see my stepsister tomorrow--yippee! :)

I have two things left I really need to get done in the next few days. First is my portfolio. Before we can student teach, our portfolio needs to be checked. Well when mine was reviewed, I was missing one component because I was taking a class and hadn't done the assignment yet that needed to be posted on the portfolio. Now it's done, obviously, but I haven't put it up yet. So I need to get my external hard drive out and put it up.

Then, I need to e-mail USD back. I got answers to my questions--but have many more to ask. I have been meaning for a week to e-mail the woman back. I want to make sure it is a complete e-mail, though, so there is no additional confusion. I need to go to their website, look at the programs, and decide specifically what I am interested in. Then I can get answers to my specific questions.

I have filled out my application to work with the children's ministry at my church that I talked about in my last entry. It's all ready to be sent off. I just need to wait because it asks for 3 references. Well, I wanted to double check and ask if it was okay to use the three people I chose as references. I am waiting for them to respond and say it is okay. So as soon as that's done, I'll send that off and get rolling on that.

I'm so excited about the changes in my life. I am excited to student teach, help out at church, find a new Bible study... but I am still worried.

I still am in an incredible amount of pain each day, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, even with the weight loss. I thought it would. I know that I still have more to lose, and there's a chance it'll get better--BUT I would have thought that after 102 lbs, there would be some difference. There's not.

Please keep me in your prayers as I transition into this next semester. It'll be a full schedule--I will be SO busy--and will probably be dealing with a lot of pain. I'd love love love for God to heal me and take the pain away. But if that's not a part of His plan, please pray for strength for me to get through it all. Also pray for me to keep relying on Him and His strength instead of my own. That's the only way I'll get through it.

While I've accomplished a lot today, I've been a bum and am still in my pajamas. I thought about staying this way all night, but I think I'm going to go shower and change into another set of PJs. haha... what a rough life, huh? =) I'm on Christmas vacation! Give me a break! :)

Merry Christmas!

Opportunity

Today was an exhausting but good day.

I woke up this morning when my mom came in to offer me water (I've asked her to wake me up when she gets up throughout the night or in the morning with water because I get SO thirsty, but don't wake up enough to get up to get it--so I just struggle all night with being thirsty). She also warmed up the hot/cold pack for my mouth. It took me a bit of time to fall back asleep, but I eventually did.

I was exhausted when I woke back up 15 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I wanted so badly to sleep in, but knew I may be hanging out with my stepsister today, and didn't want to sleep through our plans! I got on Facebook to see if she had replied, but she didn't. Unfortunately, I never heard from her. I was a bit bummed, but she also said Wednesday was a possibility. I'm hoping that'll work out. =)

Today I sent a message to the children and women's pastor on Facebook. It was kind of funny the way it happened. I had told Aimee (our IV staff) that since I was leaving IV, I wanted to find a Bible study or something next semester. I had planned to look at the studies offered by my local church. My first thought was to ask Rick, the pastor who does all the college age stuff.

Well, Connie, the womens/childrens pastor, was my middle school guidance counselor. I started writing a message to Rick, asking about what was available at the church. My problem is this: I don't want a college Bible study (I'm trying to transition away from that). At the same time, I don't feel comfortable in a women's study where the youngest woman is 50. I don't know many people in the church besides my friends, and they are all in college. I wanted to find a study that would include people close to my age as well. In the midst of writing it, I changed my mind and decided to ask Connie. Since she is the women's ministry pastor, I figured she'd know more about women's studies. Well, she responded with some ideas. She also said that the best place for me to be on Wednesdays is to help out with KidZone, the children's ministry. What a wonderful idea! I hadn't really thought of that before. I taught Sunday school at my church in Madison, but hadn't really considered it here. Part of me has always felt a bit intimidated at this church. It's a large church and since I don't know many, I feel like I'm not really good enough to be a leader. Well, Connie seems to think I am! So I am going to keep praying about it and see. I asked where she is looking for help. KidsZone is grades K-6. I have no idea what kind of help is needed, so I'm interested in finding out.

I have helped out with an online ministry (IC) for several years (since 2005, I believe). It's been a big part of my life and I've spent hours a week at times. Especially when the pain was bad, it was a great way to serve God. I've lead studies, prayer meetings, and other things. Two friends from that online church and I recently started a new online church (BACC) because IC is closing soon. I was excited about BACC, but had told them that once I started student teaching, I was done. I figured I wouldn't have the time. In the last week, I've felt otherwise--and decided (though I didn't tell my friends) that I was going to stay with BACC through student teaching, even if I could only give an hour a week.

Well, now here comes this new opportunity to serve my church and get connected face to face with people. Suddenly I feel very at peace about leaving these online ministries and seeing where God takes me. I've "left" IC several times, but kept coming back. For once, I feel a peace that I can just walk away from both of these ministries (not abandon, of course.. I will always pray for them). I just don't need to be on leadership and heading things.

It's like God is leading me right where He wants me.. not that I doubted He would... but it's all working out so perfectly.

I don't know for sure yet that I'll be helping with KidsZone, but I am very interested. I do plan to look into women's studies at my church. I had some wonderful friends and mentors at my old church--Kimberly, Laura, Ruth, Rhonda, etc... While I am still friends with them and love them all dearly, it would be nice to have the same kind of relationships here in Brookings.

Student teaching is going to be tough. It's tough for a "normal" student. But to go through it with pain every day is going to be a struggle. I'd love to have a group of women supporting me and praying for me throughout it. I'd also love to be able to serve the church and give back--and working with kids is a perfect way for me to do that!

Wow... this digressed quit a bit. I was going to tell you about my day! When I didn't hear from Marisa (my stepsister), I was a bit bummed and bored. I decided to do some cleaning in my room, which involved some heavy lifting. I worked for over an hour, and my back and shoulders are feeling it now! So sore! Was nice to get done though. I did a LOT of work.

After I got done cleaning, I showered and read a book for a bit. I brought back 9 books from my apartment that I haven't read yet, so I'm excited to catch up on all this reading. I'm thinking about doing this challenge for 2010 that is reading 100 books throughout the year:
http://j-kaye-book-blog.blogspot.com/2009/11/new-2010-reading-challenge-100-reading.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+JKayesBookBlog+(J.+Kaye%27s+Book+Blog)&utm_content=Twitter

We'll see if I do or not.. either way, I hope to read a lot more than I did this year.

My brother came home today. I'm so excited for the next several days--I love Christmas!

I'm getting very excited for student teaching. While I'm nervous, I can't wait to get started and get in the classroom! February 1st! =)

Alright I'm off to finish some conversations and do some other things. I just wanted to update you all on my life! =)

Dreams

Dream:

* ambition: a cherished desire
* someone or something wonderful

What are your dreams? I often let my mind wander to the people closest to me... my mom, my brother, my friends... I wonder what their dreams are. Not just the simple things, like "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Instead, I wonder what the desires of their hearts are. What, if they could have anything without limits, would make them happy?

Things don't make us happy... God makes us (or at least me) happy...

But there are several dreams I have... some are huge and seem impossible. Some are small and could happen tomorrow. It's fun to dream--I know that God will take them and do what he wishes with them.

The song "Set the World on Fire" by Britt Nicole says:

* "I am small but You, You are big enough
I am weak but You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams come and give them wings
Lord with You, there`s nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father`s hands

I love that song. That's my ultimate dream. I do want to feed the hungry children. I want to sit with the hungry and poor and hurting. I want to hug them and tell them about the hope that is found in Jesus.

I have other dreams as well.

* I dream of making a difference in the lives of children I work with. For years I thought this would come through teaching; now I am wondering if counseling/guidance is the way. Either way, I want to touch the lives of children.
* I want to write children's books.
* I want to continue to journal my life so someday my kids/grandkids/whoever can learn about me when I am no longer here to tell my story.
* I dream of going on missions trips without physical limitations.
* I dream of LIFE without physical limitations... life without pain. Obviously life has pain, but I'd love a life without chronic pain.
* I dream of visiting Germany and/or Austria. I dream of relearning the language and becoming fluent (Rosetta Stone, anyone? If only it wasn't so expensive). I dream ofcrossing cultural boundaries.
* I dream of simple things too, like being able to support my friends who are going into ministry full time.
* One huge dream of mine (it feels huge, but is very small) is for my family to go to church together. I'd love for the three of us to go to church on Christmas Eve... come home and eat together, and open presents. That would be a perfect night for me.
* I feel like lately, especially this semester, I've been worn down and sick and sore. Between surgery, sickness, my back, and my teeth... it's been frustrating for me to reflect on conversations and days when I know I've been so blessed, but so much of what I've said was negative or a complaint. I dream that God would totally transform my heart (I know he already is--it's a process) to where even the worst day can't take away the joy I have. To where each day I am so thankful about all that God has given me that I can't help but tell others that. I try hard to be positive, but I often fail. I dream for a heart of joy always.

I have a lot of other dreams.. but for now I'm going to think about going to sleep and having another type of dream. =)

I am really curious, though... if you're reading this... please sign the guestbook and share a dream or two (or twenty). I want to know what my friends and family are dreaming and hoping for--the deep or simple things that would make them happy.

Keep dreaming out there.. when you stop dreaming and hoping, days are a lot darker. Dreaming ignites a passion that nothing else can!

Still in pain

My mouth is still very sore today.

My mom asked me just a few minutes ago if surgery went well yesterday (or something like that). I said "uhh no!"

See, the dentist apparently called last night to ask how I was doing. She said that I had told her that I could feel it and that I was in pain. Turns out there were tears coming from my eyes during surgery like it hurt, so they kept giving me more medicine. Apparently, they didn't give me enough.

I do remember that when I would cry, they would give me another shot which would hurt more. I suppose they figured I was sedated enough to give me some novocaine. They thought wrong.

While I know there is a lot I probably did not feel, I felt a lot, and it was very painful. It reminded me why I hate the dentist so much to begin with.

At least Monday I didn't feel anything. I still have lots of pain, though--from Monday and yesterday.

My gums hurt very badly in one spot--the spot I think they kept giving me shots. No other spot on my gums has hurt, so I'm guessing that's why.

Either way, my mouth is sore today.

The pain in my mouth is giving me a pretty nasty headache, but taking tylenol was not helping. I hate taking pills I don't need or that don't help (especially every 4 hours). I have resorted to just putting heat on it as often as I can. It's a bit hard to spend all day with one hand up to my mouth.

My other two grades still aren't in--I'm getting anxious! They are due on Wednesday, so I know they will be in for sure by then.

My brother is coming home Monday. Hopefully he beats any snow we may be getting.

Today I read ten chapters in the book I'm reading. It was nice to just relax and read a bit, but I left off at a spot that leaves me eager to read more! I am in the second book of a five book series. I don't have books 3-5... so I need to slow down because I may not be able to afford the books for awhile!

Tonight I sent off Kimberly's document back to her that my mom and I proofed. I proofed it first, though I was in so much pain that it was hard to think. She then proofed it again as I was in surgery. And then I made the corrections. I was feeling bad because I've had it since Dec 9th or so... it took quite a while to get it back to her (longer than normal). It was hard, though, with school finishing and two surgeries. So I'm glad it's out of the way now.

My to-do list is fairly short right now.

* Pay electric bill
* Get one last present
* Possibly paint a present
* Wrap present for the Lee's
* Update management plan on school portfolio
* See surgeon Dec 29th
* Make appointment to see Voc Rehab counselor (gotta wait for final grades to come in)
* Go see eyedoctor and get new glasses (gotta wait for the $ for that)

That's the shortest to-do list I've had in MONTHS! :)

That leaves me with some free time to read and do other things that I've wanted to do for a while. It's good to have free time. Going to go watch the end of a movie and then lay down and rest! =)

Not enough sedation = ouch :(

Though I'm exhausted and in pain, I'm fully here tonight.

They didn't give me enough sedation medicine, which made for a horrible painful and terrifying surgery tonight. I could feel everything they did.. hear all the noises.. feel the poke of every needle. Would've been so much cheaper to do it in town, if had known the were going to mess it up.

There are a few parts I don't remember--the very start and the end. I remember getting into the wheelchair, but don't remember getting into the car or getting hom. I woke up sometime after 6, and remember from then on. If only I remembered the car ride and could forget all the shots and pain. :( Monday was much easier

Either way, I'm exhausted. I know they didn't get it all done.. but I hope it's months before I have to do this again. Twice in one week is ridiculously painful. Heat packs warmed in the microwave are my new best friend. That and sleep and water.

Blah

Today has just been one of those days.

I woke up and my mouth was still hurting badly. I ate green beans for lunch (it's about all I could eat the last few days) and then went to watch Chaya. I was there for 5 hours, and while it was fun, it was exhausting. My back was pretty sore when I got home and I just laid and rested until supper. Supper tasted so yummy after nothing but green beans for days...

But ever since supper, I just haven't felt very good. My mouth hurts and gives me an awful headache... my back hurts and makes my stomach upset...

I'm exhausted and want to sleep, but have at least 3 pills to get down before I can do it. When my stomach is this upset, it's not easy to get 1 pill down, let alone 3.

I have more dental surgery tomorrow and I just dread it. I dread the pain most of all. But I dread finding out later what I said or did while I was so out of it... things like finding out I fell in the bathroom and the dental assitant had to help somehow... that's so embarassing and I just don't want to think about it. I don't care if it's "normal" and if they see it all the time... I don't like looking stupid or saying stupid things. I'm very self-conscious about things like that... even to find out that I made my mom go get the food I wanted because I wouldn't accept anything else... what? UGH. I just hate it. I am almost thinking going through the pain and torture of doing this without surgery would be better. I didn't think this way would be so hard. :(

Just one of those days you wake up and wish you could sleep the day away... nothing good comes from it...

Hopefully the pain won't be as bad this time and I will be better by Christmas... I'll be bummed if I have this kind of pain over the holiday. Blah blah blah. That's how I feel right now.

Yadda yadda yadda

Today has been one of those lazy days where I don't do anything productive. =)

The last two days I didn't do anything either, but I was in too much pain to function.

I have not slept well in days. I also haven't been taking my medicine for sleep, which doesn't help. I ended up taking it last night, but it wasn't helpful because of the pain. Monday I was so out of it from the medicine that I didn't feel too much pain. Yesterday during the day I was fine, but last night the pain got really bad around 8 or 9. I couldn't take any more tylenol. I laid in bed with a hot/cold pack that had been warmed in the microwave. I don't think it took very long to fall asleep. I slept fine until about 4 am, and then kept waking up in pain.

I wanted some Tylenol, some water, and some heat for my mouth. My mom had told me to call her if I needed anything during the night... but I was so tired and sore that I didn't have the energy to call her. I woke up several times between then and 7:30. I woke up and hollered for my mom, but she didn't hear me. I fell back asleep and only woke up a few times before 10. I finally got out of bed. I had a phone appointment at 11 to discuss student teaching with the field placement director. That call went well, and I am excited to start teaching February 1st.

My mom came home for lunch and we ate, and then I came and laid down again. I've just been doing things on the computer... but nothing of any importance.

I do need to work on proofing Kimberly's stuff... but that's all I really *need* to get done before January.

I mailed off the Christmas present for my dad and stepmom today... and found out that my stepsister got engaged! How exciting. :)

I'm trying to be patient and wait for final grades, but it's hard. They aren't due til the 23rd, and some teachers wait until the last minute. I have 4 classes, and if the grades on D2L are correct, I should be getting an A in 3 of them. The last class was my toughest class, and I figured I'd get a B--but I got an A! So now I just need to wait and make sure the others are A's! I hope so.. would be nice to have a 4.0. My overall GPA is 3.7, but would love to bring it a little higher. It's been a rough semester between recovering from surgery and being so sick--so I think I did well, even if I didn't get a 4.0. I'll update everyone when I do get my grades.

I go in for more dental surgery on Friday. While I'm glad I am knocked out and won't remember it, I'm not looking forward to the pain that comes with it. I sure hope this pain is gone or much better by then. We'll see.

I'm going to go start proofing--I need to get that done soon... this month has slipped away from me! It's important that I get it done on time!

Ouch.

Ow. That's all I have to say.
Not sure Tylenol will make pain from surgery any better...
But..... ouch! =(

1 surgery down, 1 to go

I'm exhausted. didn't sleep much before 6 am hit and it was time to wake up.

Got up and showered and headed to Watertown for dental surgery.

It wasn't the most fun thing in the world, but needed to be done. They must have worked on the right side of my mouth, because that side is very painful and the left isn't.

My back/shoulders/tailbone still hurt... it's only 6:22, but I could absolutely go to bed right now.

The sedation medicine hasn't worn off yet, which doesn't help.

Going to spend the rest of the night drinking water, keeping the tylenol going into my system, and resting. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Ow

Ow. That's all I feel like I've said for the last 24 hours. That fall yesterday really hurt!

I rested last night... layed on my bed and watched movies. I had taken pain medicine and it made my stomach a bit upset. I was tired by 10 and wanted to go to sleep, but couldn't figure out how to get up with my cat laying next to me. I was too sore to get my legs over him.

I started feeling extremely sick a little before midnight, so I got up to get a few crackers and some water. I felt like I was going to throw up, so I went to get a pail from the kitchen--but it was pushed back too far (it sits on top of the fridge). I went and woke my mom up so she could get it for me, but she had one in her room. I threw up, though I had nothing really in my stomach but water.

I went to bed and was out. I woke up at 5:50 am in SO much pain. I couldn't move and was so stiff from laying in one position for so long. Not only did my back and tailbone hurt, but I also hurt my shoulder from laying like that for too many hours.

I tried to move, but all I could do was yell "OWWWW". My mom heard me and came around 6:10. She helped me up and I went to the bathroom and got some water. Then, I found a new position and fell back asleep. I slept until 10:30.

I woke up and didn't do much until lunch. I came and sat up (for the first time since I fell) and ate lunch. I still wasn't feeling very well (the pain was making my stomach upset). I laid back down and rested this afternoon. Gavin, Bailey, and Kado all laid with me. I fell asleep for almost an hour, but laid and rested for about 2 1/2 hours.

I came and sat up around 6 pm again. It's painful to sit up, but I am so sick of laying on my stomach. It hurts too bad to lay on my back. I don't know how long I will be able to sit up...

I have dental surgery tomorrow morning at 8 am, so I have to get up around 6. I hope I can fall asleep fairly early tonight. I'll probably be rather sore for the next few days (especially with all the pain I already have). Then, when I finally feel better, I will have more dental surgery on Friday. Eek! I will be glad when this week is over. It's almost Christmas! Yay! :)

Moving = painful

Well, I'm all moved. Surprisingly, it went pretty fast. We started around 9 am and finished a little after 2.

I am so thankful for all the help. Thank you Mom, Laura, Marvin, Vanessa, Brent, Nate, and Raelene!

They were all such fast and hard workers! We loaded the truck and headed back to Brookings. I was sore when I woke up this morning, so I was not looking forward to today. By the time I packed all the last minute things in Madison, I was ready to be done.

We got back to Brookings and they unloaded--assembly line style. Most things were just going to be stored in the basement, so that was the easy part. A few things needed to come upstairs, like my bed and dresser.

I was SO looking forward to having my bed! The bed I had was old and not very good for my back... so I am thankful that I can sleep in my good bed again tonight... I haven't since May!

Two years ago for Christmas, I was given a very special gift. We spend the holidays with Dr. Lee and MaryJo. MaryJo gave me a hope chest that belonged to HER mother at one time. It was passed down to MaryJo and she gave it to me. She has two sons... and said that she sees me like a daughter. The hope chest is extremely special to me, and I didn't want it sitting in the basement. Well, to put it in my room meant that everything had to be rearranged. The bed, dresser, TV stand, desk... everything.

So after we got done unloading, we ordered pizza for everyone. Marvin and Laura left right away, but the others stayed to eat.

So after eating, Vanessa and Brent left because they had some graduation parties to go to.

Nate and Raelene stayed to help (thank God!). That's when we rearranged my room, swapped out beds and dressers, etc. It would have taken my mom and I hours to do it alone. Luckily they helped and it went quickly!

While people were still eating, I went to run into my room. I bent over to pick up Kado, and tripped on my jeans (they are so big and baggy that I trip on them often) and couldn't catch myself and landed flat on my butt and then back onto my back. Ugh. It hurt SO badly... I could hardly breathe for awhile... then I just cried. I couldn't move and didn't want to push myself so I said I was just going to lay there for a bit. When I did get up, the pain got a lot worse. I have a lot of pain now in my tailbone and lower back and my right leg. So while everyone else was working on my room, I was laying on my bed.

We finished up and Nate took my mom to drop the U-Haul off... and Raelene went to go hang out with another friend.

I am now laying on my bed with the heating pad on my back... the pain, even now, kind of takes my breath away. It's dark in my room and I plan to just relax and rest for awhile. I am worn out... it's been a LONG day.

I know I'd be feeling a whole lot better if I hadn't fallen... ugh. =(

Anyway.. I'm all moved.. but now I'm off to rest!

Moving tomorrow

I am in soooooooo much pain today. Ugh!

My brother was here last night, making a pitstop on his way to MN to a wedding. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was first in bed of all three of us... and I could hear them and couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep.. and heard them around 7 and woke up again. I went back to sleep until 9.. but woke up exhausted. My doctor told me that if this medicine doesn't work with one pill to go to two pills a night.. then if that doesn't work, to come back in. I may try two pills a night... because the last several days they haven't been working. We'll see.

This morning I didn't do a whole lot besides e-mail back and forth with my mom. We ate lunch together... and then I came back into my room. I played a game for awhile and then went to sit up at the dining room table to work on Christmas letters. I wrote a letter to send out to my friends about my past year... and then I wrote a family Christmas letter to send out to family and friends (that my mom sends out). I spent the majority of the afternoon working on that.

I talked to my dad for a little bit on MSN and then went to shower to get ready to run errands.

For the first time today, my hair is long enough to pull back into a full ponytail! It's grown quite a bit since I chopped it all off.

Also, I've lost 98 lbs. I was stuck at 95/96 for several days... but this morning it was down a few pounds. I can't wait to hit 100 lbs!

My mom came home at 5, and we ran to Walmart. I needed to print some pictures to send with some Christmas cards... and pick up a few other things like cat litter.

Then we ran to HyVee to get some water and a few other things.

My back is so so so sore. I feel like a car has been sitting on my lower left back. It's so painful. =(

So now I am just going to relax for a little bit and then go to bed. I have to get up at 7 am tomorrow because we're moving my stuff. Oh my... I would love any and all prayers for it go okay. I hope the weather is good, that we have enough help, and that I can make it through the day. Right now the pain is so bad that I couldn't do it... hoping tomorrow is better. I need God's strength to get through it. I won't be able to do much lifting, but I still have to direct people and drive my car and whatnot. Ugh!

I'll be glad to have all my stuff here though and not have to go to Madison weekly to check my mail! :)

I got Christmas cards done tonight. I only did about 20... but that should be good enough. I did a few old college friends (Katie, Carla....) but didn't do any for my current college friends... I'd have to do 100 if I did all my DSU and SDSU friends.. and I just don't have the time or energy. But they don't do cards either so it's okay. We'll see if I get any back--not many have my past two addresses, so if they send cards, I may not get them anyway.

Alright I'm going to go lay my head down and watch TV for a bit. Bedtime is coming very soon for me!

Chapter closed...

What a long day. I'm exhausted!

I didn't sleep well at all last night, which is frustrating because I was asleep by 1 and took a pill... I got enough sleep, but woke up exhausted. It was SO hard to get out of bed this morning.

I got up and showered because I needed to be to Aimee's house by 10:15 to watch Chaya. She was her normal happy and smiley self... but tired! She took a nap from 11:30-12:30 and then she ate a bit and then she ended up falling asleep again at 2! I felt bad because it's nice when I can wear her out and then she sleeps for Aimee when she gets home.. but that's just not how today went. It was fun though and nice to be able to spend some time with a baby! :)

Then I came home and planned to work on Christmas letters (one that I plan to send out with cards as well as a family one for my mom to send out), but I wasn't hardly home long enough. My mom and I went with June to go look at a small table and two chairs. We haven't had a table in our dining room in years, and June wanted to buy this one for us that she saw in a newspaper or something. So we went and she bought it for us. :)

Then I got home and ate supper, which did not settle well... I felt sick for quite some time afterwards. Ugh. I hate that.

So then I went to InterVarsity--for the last time. I went through a tough time last semester as I was transitioning from college classes to (what was supposed to be) student teaching. It was hard to let go of InterVarsity and transition to being somewhat of an adult. Well, then things got even more complicated when I had to change everything this semester. So now I'm going through it again. I had gotten involved with the SDSU IV chapter since I was living here... and have had a blast getting to know them. Now it's hard to transition out of that place again.

Everyone keeps saying "But you're teaching in Brookings--you can still come!". They don't understand the demands of the student teaching semester. It's several hours a day in the classroom followed by a lot of planning and preparation time at night... with a lack of sleep and a lack of social life. I am prepared for it... as much as I can be.

I will be in Brookings, but there is no way I can go to Bible study every Tuesday and/or The Point (large group) every Thursday. I just won't have the time or energy.

So tonight I feel like another chapter closed in my life... and it's bittersweet. I have been involved with InterVarsity for 5 1/2 years. My closest friendships came about because of IV. I made the biggest decision of my life (to follow Jesus) because of IV. I learned to seek guidance and wisdom from God and actually follow where he wants me to go... it's been wonderful. Sure, there have been problems and conflict as well... but I am very thankful and blessed for the time I've had with IV from 2004-2009.

Now that's over... and it's strange. But, oddly enough, I have a peace about it. Part of me is freaking out and saying "If I don't have IV, I won't ever see my friends and I will lose my support system and and and....." But in all reality, I know that God will provide whatever I need. It's scary to take a step into the "real world", but it feels good.

My facebook status currently is:
Sarah Nelson .:. "Growing up and getting older... I don't wanna believe it's over..." It's weird to close another chapter of my life... but I know God is moving me to better things, and I'm excited to see where he takes me next!
It's true. I am excited. I know that good things are in store... but it's always a bit scary when something like that ends. IV has been such a HUGE part of my life... that to live without it seems so impossible. Obviously it's not--I can live without IV... just not without God...--but it feels that way.

So tonight as I write... please pray for this transition... pray it happens smoothly and that I find my place in the "real world". I am thinking that I need to get more involved with my church (possibly Sunday school or a Bible study) so I have some friends and support next semester... but even that feels a bit scary.

I know that no matter what, God is in control. And for that, I am incredibly thankful.

DONE

I am officially DONE with the fall semester!

I finished my suggested corrections on my paper and finished my essay exam. I turned both in early (one is due Fri and the other Mon). I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yippee!!!!!

Brrrrrrrr! and Ouch!

I am tempted to pack my bags and move to Hawaii.

Really. This cold weather is making me miserable.

The cold and the snow makes my back hurt so badly... and people just don't understand!

Today I have an enormous amount of pressure in my head... such a bad headache... not sure why or where that came from.

I was so hungry when I woke up so I ate some crackers for breakfast... they didn't settle well. I haven't eaten since then... but I'll be trying some supper soon. We'll see how it goes.

Yesterday I spent about an hour and a half working on my project. It was a rough draft to submit for my teacher to look at. She gave me 5 or so suggestions. She said she was pleased with what I had, though.. I'm guessing if I turned this copy in, I would get a B on it. I'm going to do the things she suggested though and try to get an A.

That teacher also gave us our test yesterday, which will be the final thing I have to do this semester. I started working on it after 10 pm last night, and got 9 out of 14 questions done.

SO... all I have left to do for the semester is to make corrections on my project (that is due Friday) and 5 essay questions on my test (that is due Monday). I'd love to get them both done by Thursday. We'll see!

I'm hoping it stops snowing before Saturday, or moving is going to be VERY tough. I'm already going to struggle with how horrible I feel. Ugh!!!

I just wish I could be like a bear and hibernate through the winters. I can't wait to live somewhere warmer. The other ideal solution would be to find a school around here (which does not exist) that has children go from March-November and gets the winters off. Hah... how backwards would that be? It would make my life a lot easier though. I'm going to struggle with student teaching with this much pain. I really hoped the surgery would have helped my back more... but not yet.

I am soooo cold.. I am going to turn up my space heater and get under the covers. I am supposed to go to Bible study tonight--our last one of the semester, and my last one ever with IV. I planned to go... but now I'm just feeling awful, so I decided to stay home. Instead I'll play games on the computer or do some reading... relax and go to bed early. I'm so tired I could probably go to bed right now.

I made 4 cards this afternoon, so that was good. It's one of those things that I have to be in the mood for. If I'm not feeling creative, it's a struggle to get one done. But if I'm feeling up for it, I can whip them out in no time! :)

I'm going to go get warm and relax... hope everyone out there is staying warm! It's only 8 degrees here (but with windchill, feels like -11, according to the weather channel). And snowing, of course... Brr!

I miss you, grandpa <3

I can hardly believe that it's been a year since my grandpa left us...

It all happened so quickly. I spent most of my childhood not truly knowing him, but just seeing him every few years. We weren't close... partly because of physical distance and partly due to other circumstances.

While he was my grandpa and I loved him, I didn't feel like I had a relationship with him...

That all changed pretty quickly when he got sick. He's always had some heart problems, but in 2008 he went downhill very quickly.

I remember going on Halloween to visit him in the hospital. We took him bright orange flowers, and he loved them. That was the start of the relationship we had. Sure, he loved me before that and asked about me when he would talk to my mom. But we didn't really connect until that day.

The next few months were such a blur to me. I was in the middle of a crazy semester at school and trying to be there for my mom in spite of the craziness.

His health declined so quickly. He was living at home, taking care of my grandma... and doing fine. When he was put in the hospital, she had to be put in a nursing home.

I don't remember which visit it was, but we found out that he had lung cancer. Hearing that news was hard, and knowing they couldn't operate to help (because of his heart) was even harder. It was then that we knew it was only a matter of time.

I didn't think it was going to be such little time, though.

He went from the hospital to a nursing home... to the hospital to a new nursing home.. it was draining for me, and even more so for my mom, I'm sure...

We spent a few weekends down in Nebraska with him. Pretty soon December rolled around. I had a crazy weekend, with lots of homework to catch up on and an InterVarsity Christmas party. I was looking forward to getting caught up and enjoying a day of fun with my friends.

My mom had talked to my grandpa... and he asked when we were coming. He wanted us to be there all the time, but that wasn't feasible.

She said that we couldn't go that weekend, but the next weekend we'd be there. He told her that it'll be too late then... that he'll be gone. We just kind of figured that he was exaggerating and trying to make us give in and go down there... we told him we'd see him in a little over a week.

Oh, but if I had known what he apparently knew... I would have dropped my homework and forgotten the party and been on my way. That Sunday morning around 5, he died peacefully in his sleep. I'm thankful that he wasn't in a lot of pain (beyond the pain he dealt with every day from the cancer and other problems).

As sad and hard as it was to have him leave us, I'm thankful that he was no longer going to suffer and spend his life in the hospital.

My mom has several siblings, but none of them were willing to help out with funeral plans. As a granddaughter, that really isn't my job--to plan his funeral. But of course, I wanted (and needed) to be there for my mom since she didn't have anyone else. We headed down to Nebraska for a week to plan and attend the funeral. It was a difficult week... it's hard to say goodbye to someone you love. It's even harder when you feel like after 22 years, you finally connected with that person in the last 2 months.

I have memories of my grandpa when I was a little girl. When we'd visit, he'd always pretend to steal my baby dolls... he loved to tease. While I am thankful for those memories, we weren't close then. It's hard to explain how our relationship changed those last few months. It just did. He went from being a distant grandpa... to someone I truly loved and cherished and looked forward to spending time with.

When he was in the hospital one time, he asked us to get a new battery for an ancient watch he had. We went to Walmart, and got the battery changed. The watch came from my grandma, so he cherished it. We also decided to buy him a new watch... though we figured he'd never wear it. Sure enough, he loved the new watch. He wore it every day until he died.

There wasn't much that he had to pass on to all of us after he died... and it was a bit complex because my grandma passed away in April--and she was my mom's stepmom. The family structure made things a bit awkward. For that reason, there wasn't much that we were able to keep of his. However, I got that watch we bought him. While it was just a pretty new watch from Walmart (and not a treasured antique), it's special to me. My brother and I also got some beer stein things that he had. I guess they're special because they are from a company who was bought by another company so they are no longer made. My mom said they could be worth money someday... but I don't plan to ever sell it. It's one of the few things I have from my grandpa, and I will cherish it always.

The last year has been pretty crazy in my life. We'd had 4 deaths in the family... school has kept me busy... surgery...

It's gone so fast that it's hard to believe that it's already been a year... yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime.

It's hard to go on without the ones you love...

Grandpa, I love you so much and I miss you like crazy... I am glad you are no longer in pain, but wish we could've had you stick around for a little while longer... I'm wearing my Husker shirt for you... I know that would make you smile... =) Love you.

RIP Grandpa Max Jerome Thramer... you are missed <3

Trip to Madison

Today was an exhausting day.

My mom and I woke up early and headed to Madison for church. It was so nice to see some old friends and be back at First Baptist--I do miss it there, though I love my church here in Brookings too.

I brought my camera, and was able to take pictures with a lot of friends--that was important to me. Pictures have always been so important to me. Now that the way I look is changing quite frequently, it's important for me to document that and get pictures. If I want to put a profile picture up on Facebook of me and my friend Tiff, but only have one from a year ago when I look so different, that's not fun. So I wanted new pictures. =)

Then my mom and I went and got lunch. It's one of the few times I've eaten out since surgery. I ate a little too much (but it was SOOOO good) so I felt a bit sick after I finished, but it was worth it. Good food!

We then headed to my apartment to finish packing it. We had made plans to get together with Laura. Well, she was nice enough to come help us pack! She was a HUGE help! She packed the frames and things on my walls and then helped in the bathroom and bedroom. She was so fast, and we couldn't have finished without her! (Love you Laura!!! Thanks again!)

I was EXHAUSTED by the time we were done. I had a lot of pain today. Yesterday the pain was sharp, shooting pain... today it was dull, aching pain. Much easier to handle, but still no fun. It was a long day. We got home around 5:30 I think. I've just relaxed since then. I'm trying to rest and keep heat on my back to avoid taking pain medicine.

Tomorrow I need to start on my phonics project. If I get it done tomorrow, my teacher will look at it for content and organization and give me feedback. The down side is that she offered that to the graduate students weeks ago. She offered it to the undergrads on Friday. Well, I have been busy all weekend, and haven't had a chance to work on my project! If I had known a week ago, I'd already have it done. But, that's okay. I got a 95/100 on my last one, and I think I'll do okay even if I don't get feedback. We'll see though--if I do get it done, feedback will help me get a better grade! :)

We are moving my stuff out of my apartment on Saturday. If anyone reading this is in Madison or Brookings (or somewhere around here) and willing to help, we would REALLY appreciate your help. We hardly have any so far, since we just decided today. Since I can't lift, that already makes it much harder. So please please please let me know if you can help us!

Well, I'm going to check my e-mail and Facebook and then think about reading or heading to bed. It's been a long day, and I'm ready for it to be over! :)

Pain pain go away...

I had a lot of good days this past week. I'm very glad for that, because today was not a good day.

I woke up between 8:30 and 9 (I think)... in so so so much pain. I actually had gone to bed at 8:10 because I wasn't feeling well--last night's supper didn't settle well. I slept from about 9:20 until 3 am... but from 3 on, I was tossing and turning in pain. I woke up so stiff and sore that it took me quite awhile (longer than it has in a long time) to actually get out of bed. I had to wiggle one way and then scoot an inch and then wiggle some more... it's tough to move when you're that sore and stiff.

I got up and my mom got me some water and I laid back down on my bed with my computer. Around 11 or so, I went out into the living room to sit up. Was hoping it would help my back to change positions, but it didn't. Kept the heating pad on it all day, but that didn't seem to help much either.

I ate lunch (green beans and 1/3rd of a turkey sandwich) and then laid back down again. I rested all afternoon, but wasn't able to sleep. I considered taking pain medicine, but went without.

I played games on the computer and read some of a book while watching Christmas movies on Lifetime in the background.

My mom came in around 5 and said supper was ready. Turkey! I ate too much, but it was SOOOO good. My stomach is upset though because I had too much and I think I ate too fast.

I was SOOO thirsty after I finished eating. One rule after surgery is that after you eat, you have to wait 30 minutes to drink anything. I am not sure if that is a forever rule, or if I can eventually stop waiting that 30 minutes. My 30 minutes was just up and my mom brought me some water. YUMMY! When I am thirsty, I want it right now!!!! The waiting is so hard... I wanted to gulp it down, but that's not allowed either.

Tonight I have to get my external hard drive out and load my school documents back onto my computer. I'm not going to put all my music and pictures back on yet (because that would take a few hours to transfer), but I need my school stuff. I also need to transfer my bookmarks, so I can do my weekly post-surgery journal. It doesn't feel like a week since my last one, but it has been 8 days.

Then I plan to just rest tonight... we didn't end up going to Madison to pack because my back was hurting so badly. Hopefully it's better tomorrow and we can go. We'll see!

Pain pain go away... don't come back another day...

Update!

The medicine that my doctor gave me for my sleep problems is working, and I am SO thankful! Last night I went to bed somewhere between 11 and midnight. I woke up at 7:42 when I heard my mom leave for work and then went back to sleep. I woke up at 8:30 wide awake. Did you read that? 8:30! WIDE AWAKE! Rested!!! It was SO nice! :) Thank God for restful sleep!

I didn't do much this morning aside from checking my e-mail and dinking around on the computer. I thought about starting my phonics project, but haven't yet. It's due next Friday, but if I get it done by Monday and submit it, my teacher will look at it (not proofread, but check the content). So we'll see if I get it done this weekend or not. I got 95/100 on my last paper so I'm not too worried. This is my toughest class and I am pretty sure I have an A or a high B... so I'm satisfied.

My mom came home for lunch and I ate. I had a few green beans and a mini sandwich. I cut off all the crust (it's harder for me to chew well) and then cut one piece in half, and that's my two 'slices' of bread. So it's not even one full piece of bread. It fills me up though. Was a good lunch! Kado ate the rest of my green beans that I didn't finish--haha. Our cats are so weird.

My back is pretty sore today because of the weather. It's 20 degrees right now but with wind chill, feels like 7 degrees. My back does not like this cold!

My mom went back to work, and I did the dishes. We had quite a few, including a roaster from when we had roast beef. I was surprised I was able to finish all of them standing up--something about standing yet bending down to be in the sink really bothers my back.

Then I swept the kitchen floor. It's so hard to get everything because between my hair (I am still losing TONS each day... it's everywhere) and the cat litter, it's nearly impossible to keep it clean. Then I got a pail and soap and water and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor. My mom has said a few times that it's dirty and she said she was going to do it tonight I think. So I did it for her! Now my back is a little more sore, but it was worth it. =)

I was going to try to vaccuum and/or shovel the sidewalk, but I knew I needed to quit. My mom is going to try to leave work a little early today. She's going to run to the store to get some things, and then shovel. I decided that I want a Marie Callenders chicken pot pie tonight. I don't like the cheap little ones, but love hers! For whatever reason, since surgery, there are times I just crave things. Today it's pot pie! So my mom is going to get two and we are going to have them for supper. Yum! I can't wait.

Now I'm just relaxing on my bed and drinking sparkling cider. I need to load things back on to my computer today and write in my post-surgery journal. I have lost 95 lbs. I can't wait for the week I hit 100 lbs, so I can write that in my journal! :)

This weekend my mom and I are probably going to go try to finish packing up my apartment. I have to be out by December 31st, so there's not much time left. It'll be good to have that out of the way! :)

I also want to get our Christmas letters done this weekend so I can start working on cards. I am writing one for myself for my friends, and writing a family one for my mom to send out.

I'd love to get my paper done, but as I said, that may not happen. So we'll see how productive I feel.

I think I'm going to go read my book for a little bit. I've been so busy and tired lately, that I haven't read much lately. =)

Brrrr!

I can't believe how freezing cold I am! It's 18 degrees outside and snowing, but weather.com says it feels like 4 degrees (with wind chill). Brrrr! I cranked up the space heater in my room, but can still hardly feel my hands and feet!

I was asleep by 11 pm last night, and slept until 9:30! How nice! =) I think the medicine I am taking is helping my sleep... at least I hope so. I didn't wake up exhausted today.

I showered and got ready to go watch Chaya. We played a lot today and she crawled all over the house. Got my workout today ;) I always have fun with her... I love babies.

I got home around 2:30 and have been working on homework. I finished reading my chapter and am about half done with the assignment that is due tomorrow. After this assignment, I will have two things left for the semester--a phonics project and a test. It's good to be almost done.

I really need to finish the very last of my Christmas shopping. I was almost done back in October, but haven't done anything since then! I just have a few small things to get/do, and I'll be done. I don't want to have to stress about that at the last minute.

I still need to move out of my apartment before the end of the month. Eek! There's still a few things to pack... and then I have to try to move it all. I'm a bit nervous about hauling it all, because now it's snowy. Hopefully it'll be okay.

My school computer got a virus on it, and I had to go get a new hard drive on Monday. I backed everything up before I took it in because I figured they would just give me a new hard drive. I need to get everything (or some things) put back on my hard drive. My OneNote to-do list is on my external hard drive. I want to take one thing off my list because it's done! Woohoo. I'll probably work on putting things back on my computer tomorrow.

I am in quite a bit of pain today. Luckily, it's a manageable type of pain. I have several different types of pain. There's dull, aching pain (that's what I have today). There's sharp, shooting pain. There's muscle spasms. There's others that I don't have names for, and combinations of pain. The cold weather and the snow make the arthritis flare up, so it makes sense that I'd be in pain today. Plus, I was chasing an 8 month old around for a few hours! :)

Brrrrr.. I am going to go work on my assignment some more and try to warm up under a blanket. Keep warm, everyone!

Just wanted to let you know...

Just wanted to write an entry to tell you:

I have lost 94 lbs!!! :)

That's all!