Testimony of change...

They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony… -Rev 12:11

I can hardly believe that it is already the middle of November. This whole semester has gone fast, yet slow at the same time. It’s been 3 months since surgery, and so much has changed. That’s what I want to write about—change. Not change since surgery, but just changes in my life.

When I was little, I rarely went to church. We went sometimes, but there were some issues that kept us from going each week. I remember just sitting and coloring or drawing during church anyway—I had no idea what the pastor was talking about.

I remember being asked a lot during middle school and high school if I wanted to go to youth group with some friends. Brianne and Summer asked me quite often. I started going to youth group at the Wesleyan church in Brookings, but was not going to church on Sundays. I loved youth group because it was fun. I loved the upbeat music and hanging out with friends. The messages were okay, but I didn’t understand a lot that was said. Christians tend to use words that people don’t know unless they grow up in the church, so I felt lost at times. Between two churches, I graduated high school being involved in a youth group.

Towards the end of high school, a lot of my friends changed. They were all church-going “Christians” (I don’t know their hearts, just know that they claimed to be Christians). As we got older, they became more interested in partying and drinking. Since I saw the effects of alcohol at a young age, I decided very young that I was never going to have one sip of alcohol. It was hard to see all of my friends drinking—I felt left out, yet didn’t want at all to be included in that activity.

I decided to start college at SDSU. I wanted to become involved with a Christian organization. Why? Because in my mind, real Christians were perfect. Funny, right? I thought that if I found a group of Christian friends, they wouldn’t ditch me for alcohol. While I was wrong (they are far from perfect), I have made some lifelong friends through it. I got involved with several organizations—InterVarsity, Navigators, CCF, Oasis, and Campus Crusade. I loved worshipping and fellowshipping with my friends!

InterVarsity was a bit different from the other organizations. Each seemed to have their own focus. Cru seemed to focus on fellowship and good times (the part I saw, anyway). Navigators focused on Bible studies and building your faith. InterVarsity focused a lot on sharing your faith with others. I heard once at InterVarsity that being a Christian was not just about believing in God. It was about having a personal relationship with Jesus. That always sounded so strange to me—the guy is dead! How can I have a relationship with him? I discovered, though, that they were right. It says in the Bible “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.” (James 2:19) Even demons believe that there is a God—and he is so powerful that they shudder when they hear his name. So believing in God is not the point—that won’t get a person to heaven.

I had talks with a few of my friends and let them know that I was interested in knowing more about this so-called “personal relationship”. They were happy to explain it to me and answer any of my questions.

So why am I writing this? What’s the point? Well, the point is this: I realized that I needed something more in my life. I needed something or someone to HOPE in. I needed a SAVIOR. And I found that in Jesus. It was almost 5 years ago—November 18, 2004—when I decided that I wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a Christian.

Let me tell you that it wasn’t a magic cure-all in my life. I grew up without a father figure in my life and was deeply wounded by that. I had a lot of hurt and anger and other issues to overcome. I dealt with depression and resorted to self-injury. I had low self-esteem and hated the person I was, inside and out. I struggled with chronic pain every day that made me wish my time on earth was coming to an end. I struggled a LOT in a lot of different ways. I spent a lot of my life unhappy, but hiding it. I didn’t want anyone to know—not even those that were closest to me.

Five years ago, I made the absolute best decision of my life. I decided that I wanted Jesus to come into my life and take control. I wanted him to heal my heart, my hurts… I wanted him to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) so I had something to live for. I wanted him to heal my pain so I could live a “normal” life (still waiting for that one…).

It’s been a crazy roller coaster since then. I have had struggles, trials, and pain. I’ve had many days when I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve slipped back into old patterns. I’ve had days when I wished I wasn’t alive. I had days I wished I was someone else. I’ve been from the highest point of a mountain to the very bottom of the valley. But the good far outweighs the bad, and Jesus has carried me through it all.

Hope has become my favorite word. I had a lot of dark times in my life between high school and the first few years of college. I would cry out in so much pain (physical and emotional pain) and ask “WHY ME?” I didn’t understand. Why didn’t I have a dad who cared enough to be around? Why did I have to deal with pain and struggle through school when people ruined their college careers by drinking every night? Why is it that I try so hard and fail when others get everything they want and more?

Don’t get me wrong—I have always had positive in my life as well. God has blessed me with some of the BEST friends over the years. I have always, at any given time, had at least a handful of close friends who have been there for me.

I’ve been blessed with a mother and brother who care greatly about me. My mom raised my brother and me alone—and has been there every single step of the way. Not only is she my mother, but she is truly my best friend (aside from Jesus!). My brother is a wonderful brother who loves me and cares, even when he doesn’t show it. I have other family who is a blessing as well.

My point is this: So much has changed in the last 5 years. I was struggling so much with feelings of depression and worthlessness. I found my worth in people, and if that one person (whoever it may be) didn’t love me, then I meant nothing and there was no point in even living. Now I’ve found Jesus. He has shown me that I am indeed worthy—I am a sinner and don’t deserve anything good in this life… but he gives me those things because he loves me and I am VALUABLE to him. That’s all that truly matters now. There is a God out there that created the world… who loves me so much that he sees every tear that falls from my eyes. He loves me enough to hold me through the bad times. He loves me enough to correct me when I am doing wrong. And most important, he loves me enough to send his son Jesus to die for me so I can spend eternity with him. It is there that I find my hope.

My life certainly isn’t perfect. I still deal with pain every day, and some days it is more than I feel I can handle. I have stress and struggles… but I know that I have hope because my best friend (Jesus) is there beside me through it all.

God has healed me in so many ways emotionally. He has taken away the hurts from me and given me joy. He has restored the relationship with my dad. He has made the relationship with my mom so strong that nothing can ever break it. He has taken away the depression (not that I don’t have bad days, but it’s very different). He’s made me see that I am important and precious in his sight. I have a reason to wake up each morning. I have a reason for living.

Kimberly always tells me that she feels that the reason I have dealt with some of the things I have is because I am going to help children someday going through the same things. I fully believe that. Now, looking into getting my masters degree in counseling, I am seeing more and more how all of my life has been a part of God’s plan.

The lowest times in my life have been for a reason—God is going to use every part of my life, good and bad, for his glory. And though I am the least deserving person in the world to be used for God’s glory, I am so thankful that God would choose to use me in such a big way.

I am thankful for my friends and family that have been there for me throughout all of this. I’ve had such a support system in both my high times and my low times. The most important thing is that my friends have pointed me back to Jesus each time.

I am SO grateful that God has placed each of my friends in my life. And I am so thankful that God knocked on my heart and called my name 5 years ago. My life certainly would not be this way without him. He has truly changed my life—and I will never forget!