Quit telling me I'm fine!!!

='(

I am so incredibly frustrated right now that all I can do is sit here and cry.

The test on Tuesday ended up being extremely painful. Other people said it wasn't... I don't know why, but it was very painful for me. It is not something I ever want to repeat again!

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So yesterday I spent the day in Madison. I finished my class, got my A... and helped a few friends try to finish their stuff. It was a long day. I didn't eat lunch and had some issues with sharp pain in my stomach in the afternoon. I don't think those two are related... I don't eat lunch most days I am in Madison. But the pain eventually went away. I got home around 5:30 pm.

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Last night I went to Bible study. It's a group that I actually had tried to go to last semester... so I tried in September, but it was too soon post-surgery, and it just didn't happen. Then I got involved with IV again, and that was it. So I was finally able to go to this Bible study last night. It's a group of people who are out of college but are still young... 20s-30s

I really enjoyed the study, and everyone there was so nice. I do love my college friends, but it's nice to move away from the college ministry stage and into whatever this stage is called! The Bible study was good and the fellowship was awesome. Felt good to get back into a Bible study! Looking forward to next week. I was joking with Jess that I was sure all my IV friends thought the Bible study was a fake and didn't exist. I kept telling them about this new Bible study I was going to be going to... and week after week I couldn't make it. So last night I was finally able to go and prove that they are real! haha :)

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So today I had a free day since I am finished with class. I've just been hanging out at home in my PJs working on some stuff. Right now I'm working on letters to some teachers who have influenced me and been wonderful support. Tomorrow I am going to Madison to meet with two people (my advisor and the field placement director) and pass out these letters. I probably won't catch most teachers, so I'll just leave them in their mailboxes. I'm also having lunch with a friend. It'll be the last trip I have to take to Madison until the very end of March!

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Today this lady called from the clinic (I'm not sure what her title is, but she's like... an assistant for my doctor). The test on Tuesday came back normal.

Okay... FRUSTRATING!

Here's the thing. I don't want the results to come back and show some serious, life threatening condition. Obviously, I was never hoping for that.

But now what? According to all three tests, there's nothing wrong with me--I'm totally fine.

Tell that to my legs and feet that ache and burn like I'm being burned alive. Tell that to me when I can't even stand to stand up because the pain is so bad.

And what now? I start teaching on Monday. Student teachers don't get time off... we don't get sick days. The lady said to keep taking the medicine (Lyrica) that they gave me for my legs. First of all, that's the one they gave me a 14 day supply of--so if I want to keep taking it, I'm going to have to pay $50 a month for it... and it's NOT even helping--not at all.

The other solution is to go see a neurologist.

Fine. Except when you go see someone like that, it's not just a one time visit to find out you have the flu. There's an introductory visit where they get all your history. They may order some tests. Then they try this and that and see if they can figure out the cause of the pain. It's not a one appointment visit--it's an ongoing process that could take 5 or 10 or more appointments.

For a person who gets NO sick days--I can't take 5 or 10 days off. I just can't.

Which means, basically, I have to wait until May.

And the pain is so bad that I don't know how I can wait that long. It is so painful today that I don't think I could teach all day--and this is not even the worst it's been.

I'm just so frustrated and... beat down. Disappointed. I don't even have words to describe how I feel... but to be told over and over that I'm fine when I feel some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.... and then not have anything to help make the pain better... I just can't do it anymore. ='(

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I don't know how to get by until May. I just don't know. I'm sick of it all. I want a life without pain. Even if I had back pain, but could get through student teaching without all these other issues (flu, leg/foot pain, sleep problems...).

I am CONSTANTLY getting hit with one more medical problem--and it's always at the worst possible time. I told my friend Candice yesterday... we were sitting working on class... and I said "I can't imagine how it feels to go through college without extreme pain. I can't imagine how wonderful it must be."

That's how I feel. I've fought through the pain. I've done well in school and still found the energy to not only have friends, but volunteer my time and be a leader in several organizations. But the whole time I've felt pretty lousy... I can't imagine how different it would have been if I had felt good. I could've done so much more...

And now as I think about my final task--student teaching... I just want to cry. I am so excited. But I'm terrified... because not only do I have to try to face it with my back problems... and sleep problems... but also this unknown problem that I can't get an ounce of relief for.

=( God, give me strength... I need it so badly right now...

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Happy birthday, dad! <3