It's okay if you don't wanna be my friend..

There haven't been any new developments since my last entry. I still am not sure where to go with all of this... the neurologist seems to be the best solution, but waiting until May to go is not a very good option. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Today I woke up in quite a bit of pain. I knew, though, that I had some errands to run. I needed to get a few things before Monday. I had to get bread and things to make a sandwich for my lunches this week and some water and a few other things. But first we had one other place to go. Our stove has been acting up lately. When we turn it on, it won't heat up. It has to be turned off and on a few times before it will work. It is still working, but it's annoying, and likely to quit soon. So I took my mom to Lowe's and paid for a stove to be delivered tomorrow. She says she'll give me the money for it when her tax return comes--I'm not too worried. I wouldn't have done it if I was truly worried about the money. It's important for us to have a working stove... so I made sure we have one. It'll be exciting to get it tomorrow!

The pain is just awful tonight. I read 200 pages in my book and finished it... and started a new one. I didn't get very far in the new book until I had to stop. I will try again later to read a bit.

Tomorrow I HAVE to get my contextual factors done. I hoped to get them done by Friday, but I didn't. Pain and all that... it just didn't happen. They are due Monday so I have to get them done tomorrow.

I try so hard to just shut up and be positive. I try to not mention the pain... try to smile when I want to cry... but it doesn't always work--in fact, lately, it's nearly impossible.

I know that at some level, nobody likes a person who is negative all the time. Even if that negativity is well founded... not just looking for little things to complain about.. but real pain.. it's just not pleasant to be around someone who is negative all the time.

I think that in life, overall, I've done a pretty good job of that. I mean, I've had pain since I was 8ish. Horrible pain since I was 17/18ish... and it's gotten much worse from that point even.

I have tried very hard to stay positive and hopeful--and think I've done okay at it.

But right now there is so much coming against me. Student teaching is hard and physically draining for anyone... regular, healthy students are stressed out and exhausted throughout the whole semester.

Now imagine going through that with daily, aching, stabbing, shooting pains in your back.

Add on aching pain all over in your legs and feet that constantly changes locations.

Add on burning pain that cannot find any relief--burning that makes a person feel like they are dying in a fire.

And it's not just the physical. Think about the mental impact. The pain... shooting, burning pain... stops my brain and makes me forget what I was saying because that jolt of pain was horrible.

Constant fogginess in my brain... trouble concentrating, focusing, talking... a struggle to function normally because the pain is just so overwhelming that my body and brain can't handle it.

It's not just about the physical pain. It's just just something a pain pill can take away. It's not something that can just be ignored or pushed through. It's a very real problem that affects every aspect of my life.

I've had quite a few people lately say that that basically amount to these things:

* I have pain too and I don't talk about it 24/7
* Asking for a pity party is not going to take away your pain
* If you focus on your pain so much, it'll never get better--you need to stop thinking about it and talking about it
* Everyone has pain in their lives. We all have to learn to deal with it.

Those things may be partially true. And I know some of my friends have pain in their lives. But none of my friends have experienced my pain. I have a feeling if they were feeling how I feel today, they'd be laying in bed crying and begging God to either take the pain away or take them away. I've been there many many times in my 23 years. I understand that not everyone is going to be understanding... or supportive... or encouraging. But honestly.. if you don't want to hear how I'm feeling, delete me as a friend on Facebook, don't read my blogs... it's not that hard.

I need to have places to go where I can vent and say how I am truly feeling. Those who truly care about me should understand that and respect that.

I am worried about Monday. I am in so much pain right now and can't imagine having to stand up for 8 hours with this pain. I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers... I don't know what the solution is to this pain... but until we find one, I'm going to need a lot of prayer. I'm also going to need the support of friends who are willing to listen to how I feel, even if I say "I am in so much pain!" 500 times. I would be there for my friends in the same situation. And if you aren't willing to do that for me, that's fine--I have plenty of friends. But don't make underhanded comments to try to make me feel guilty for talking about how I feel.

I'm going to try to go read some more before bed. I hope everyone is staying warm and healthy!