Well, tomorrow is the big day. I start student teaching bright and early tomorrow morning.
Our stove came today. It hasn't been used yet, but looks awesome. :)
I spent quite a bit of time reading today. I finished one book and read about 70 pages in my next book. I also finished my contextual factors and got those sent off to the 2 people who need them.
Now I'm all set for tomorrow--I think. I do have a few things to put in my bag for tomorrow, and of course, my computer. That can't be packed until morning. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow just to be sure I have enough time to make my lunch and all of that.
The pain is so bad today. I can hardly focus on anything else because it is just overwhelming. That's not looking very promising for tomorrow. =( I'm hoping for less pain tomorrow.
My lunch today didn't settle very well, and I am still not feeling great. I want to eat supper and go to bed... yet I'm not hungry... and I took a nap. I don't like taking naps when I have to go to bed early! I tried to not fall asleep, but I couldn't help it. I felt so awful, I just zonked. I'm still hoping to fall asleep somewhat early so I am rested tomorrow.
Anyway... we'll see how tomorrow goes. It sure would be nice if I had some pain medicine that actually helped me get through the day. I will probably update tomorrow or in the next few days--if I am able to function enough after school.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
It's okay if you don't wanna be my friend..
There haven't been any new developments since my last entry. I still am not sure where to go with all of this... the neurologist seems to be the best solution, but waiting until May to go is not a very good option. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Today I woke up in quite a bit of pain. I knew, though, that I had some errands to run. I needed to get a few things before Monday. I had to get bread and things to make a sandwich for my lunches this week and some water and a few other things. But first we had one other place to go. Our stove has been acting up lately. When we turn it on, it won't heat up. It has to be turned off and on a few times before it will work. It is still working, but it's annoying, and likely to quit soon. So I took my mom to Lowe's and paid for a stove to be delivered tomorrow. She says she'll give me the money for it when her tax return comes--I'm not too worried. I wouldn't have done it if I was truly worried about the money. It's important for us to have a working stove... so I made sure we have one. It'll be exciting to get it tomorrow!
The pain is just awful tonight. I read 200 pages in my book and finished it... and started a new one. I didn't get very far in the new book until I had to stop. I will try again later to read a bit.
Tomorrow I HAVE to get my contextual factors done. I hoped to get them done by Friday, but I didn't. Pain and all that... it just didn't happen. They are due Monday so I have to get them done tomorrow.
I try so hard to just shut up and be positive. I try to not mention the pain... try to smile when I want to cry... but it doesn't always work--in fact, lately, it's nearly impossible.
I know that at some level, nobody likes a person who is negative all the time. Even if that negativity is well founded... not just looking for little things to complain about.. but real pain.. it's just not pleasant to be around someone who is negative all the time.
I think that in life, overall, I've done a pretty good job of that. I mean, I've had pain since I was 8ish. Horrible pain since I was 17/18ish... and it's gotten much worse from that point even.
I have tried very hard to stay positive and hopeful--and think I've done okay at it.
But right now there is so much coming against me. Student teaching is hard and physically draining for anyone... regular, healthy students are stressed out and exhausted throughout the whole semester.
Now imagine going through that with daily, aching, stabbing, shooting pains in your back.
Add on aching pain all over in your legs and feet that constantly changes locations.
Add on burning pain that cannot find any relief--burning that makes a person feel like they are dying in a fire.
And it's not just the physical. Think about the mental impact. The pain... shooting, burning pain... stops my brain and makes me forget what I was saying because that jolt of pain was horrible.
Constant fogginess in my brain... trouble concentrating, focusing, talking... a struggle to function normally because the pain is just so overwhelming that my body and brain can't handle it.
It's not just about the physical pain. It's just just something a pain pill can take away. It's not something that can just be ignored or pushed through. It's a very real problem that affects every aspect of my life.
I've had quite a few people lately say that that basically amount to these things:
* I have pain too and I don't talk about it 24/7
* Asking for a pity party is not going to take away your pain
* If you focus on your pain so much, it'll never get better--you need to stop thinking about it and talking about it
* Everyone has pain in their lives. We all have to learn to deal with it.
Those things may be partially true. And I know some of my friends have pain in their lives. But none of my friends have experienced my pain. I have a feeling if they were feeling how I feel today, they'd be laying in bed crying and begging God to either take the pain away or take them away. I've been there many many times in my 23 years. I understand that not everyone is going to be understanding... or supportive... or encouraging. But honestly.. if you don't want to hear how I'm feeling, delete me as a friend on Facebook, don't read my blogs... it's not that hard.
I need to have places to go where I can vent and say how I am truly feeling. Those who truly care about me should understand that and respect that.
I am worried about Monday. I am in so much pain right now and can't imagine having to stand up for 8 hours with this pain. I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers... I don't know what the solution is to this pain... but until we find one, I'm going to need a lot of prayer. I'm also going to need the support of friends who are willing to listen to how I feel, even if I say "I am in so much pain!" 500 times. I would be there for my friends in the same situation. And if you aren't willing to do that for me, that's fine--I have plenty of friends. But don't make underhanded comments to try to make me feel guilty for talking about how I feel.
I'm going to try to go read some more before bed. I hope everyone is staying warm and healthy!
Today I woke up in quite a bit of pain. I knew, though, that I had some errands to run. I needed to get a few things before Monday. I had to get bread and things to make a sandwich for my lunches this week and some water and a few other things. But first we had one other place to go. Our stove has been acting up lately. When we turn it on, it won't heat up. It has to be turned off and on a few times before it will work. It is still working, but it's annoying, and likely to quit soon. So I took my mom to Lowe's and paid for a stove to be delivered tomorrow. She says she'll give me the money for it when her tax return comes--I'm not too worried. I wouldn't have done it if I was truly worried about the money. It's important for us to have a working stove... so I made sure we have one. It'll be exciting to get it tomorrow!
The pain is just awful tonight. I read 200 pages in my book and finished it... and started a new one. I didn't get very far in the new book until I had to stop. I will try again later to read a bit.
Tomorrow I HAVE to get my contextual factors done. I hoped to get them done by Friday, but I didn't. Pain and all that... it just didn't happen. They are due Monday so I have to get them done tomorrow.
I try so hard to just shut up and be positive. I try to not mention the pain... try to smile when I want to cry... but it doesn't always work--in fact, lately, it's nearly impossible.
I know that at some level, nobody likes a person who is negative all the time. Even if that negativity is well founded... not just looking for little things to complain about.. but real pain.. it's just not pleasant to be around someone who is negative all the time.
I think that in life, overall, I've done a pretty good job of that. I mean, I've had pain since I was 8ish. Horrible pain since I was 17/18ish... and it's gotten much worse from that point even.
I have tried very hard to stay positive and hopeful--and think I've done okay at it.
But right now there is so much coming against me. Student teaching is hard and physically draining for anyone... regular, healthy students are stressed out and exhausted throughout the whole semester.
Now imagine going through that with daily, aching, stabbing, shooting pains in your back.
Add on aching pain all over in your legs and feet that constantly changes locations.
Add on burning pain that cannot find any relief--burning that makes a person feel like they are dying in a fire.
And it's not just the physical. Think about the mental impact. The pain... shooting, burning pain... stops my brain and makes me forget what I was saying because that jolt of pain was horrible.
Constant fogginess in my brain... trouble concentrating, focusing, talking... a struggle to function normally because the pain is just so overwhelming that my body and brain can't handle it.
It's not just about the physical pain. It's just just something a pain pill can take away. It's not something that can just be ignored or pushed through. It's a very real problem that affects every aspect of my life.
I've had quite a few people lately say that that basically amount to these things:
* I have pain too and I don't talk about it 24/7
* Asking for a pity party is not going to take away your pain
* If you focus on your pain so much, it'll never get better--you need to stop thinking about it and talking about it
* Everyone has pain in their lives. We all have to learn to deal with it.
Those things may be partially true. And I know some of my friends have pain in their lives. But none of my friends have experienced my pain. I have a feeling if they were feeling how I feel today, they'd be laying in bed crying and begging God to either take the pain away or take them away. I've been there many many times in my 23 years. I understand that not everyone is going to be understanding... or supportive... or encouraging. But honestly.. if you don't want to hear how I'm feeling, delete me as a friend on Facebook, don't read my blogs... it's not that hard.
I need to have places to go where I can vent and say how I am truly feeling. Those who truly care about me should understand that and respect that.
I am worried about Monday. I am in so much pain right now and can't imagine having to stand up for 8 hours with this pain. I just ask that you please keep me in your prayers... I don't know what the solution is to this pain... but until we find one, I'm going to need a lot of prayer. I'm also going to need the support of friends who are willing to listen to how I feel, even if I say "I am in so much pain!" 500 times. I would be there for my friends in the same situation. And if you aren't willing to do that for me, that's fine--I have plenty of friends. But don't make underhanded comments to try to make me feel guilty for talking about how I feel.
I'm going to try to go read some more before bed. I hope everyone is staying warm and healthy!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Quit telling me I'm fine!!!
='(
I am so incredibly frustrated right now that all I can do is sit here and cry.
The test on Tuesday ended up being extremely painful. Other people said it wasn't... I don't know why, but it was very painful for me. It is not something I ever want to repeat again!
--------------------------
So yesterday I spent the day in Madison. I finished my class, got my A... and helped a few friends try to finish their stuff. It was a long day. I didn't eat lunch and had some issues with sharp pain in my stomach in the afternoon. I don't think those two are related... I don't eat lunch most days I am in Madison. But the pain eventually went away. I got home around 5:30 pm.
--------------------------
Last night I went to Bible study. It's a group that I actually had tried to go to last semester... so I tried in September, but it was too soon post-surgery, and it just didn't happen. Then I got involved with IV again, and that was it. So I was finally able to go to this Bible study last night. It's a group of people who are out of college but are still young... 20s-30s
I really enjoyed the study, and everyone there was so nice. I do love my college friends, but it's nice to move away from the college ministry stage and into whatever this stage is called! The Bible study was good and the fellowship was awesome. Felt good to get back into a Bible study! Looking forward to next week. I was joking with Jess that I was sure all my IV friends thought the Bible study was a fake and didn't exist. I kept telling them about this new Bible study I was going to be going to... and week after week I couldn't make it. So last night I was finally able to go and prove that they are real! haha :)
--------------------------
So today I had a free day since I am finished with class. I've just been hanging out at home in my PJs working on some stuff. Right now I'm working on letters to some teachers who have influenced me and been wonderful support. Tomorrow I am going to Madison to meet with two people (my advisor and the field placement director) and pass out these letters. I probably won't catch most teachers, so I'll just leave them in their mailboxes. I'm also having lunch with a friend. It'll be the last trip I have to take to Madison until the very end of March!
--------------------------
Today this lady called from the clinic (I'm not sure what her title is, but she's like... an assistant for my doctor). The test on Tuesday came back normal.
Okay... FRUSTRATING!
Here's the thing. I don't want the results to come back and show some serious, life threatening condition. Obviously, I was never hoping for that.
But now what? According to all three tests, there's nothing wrong with me--I'm totally fine.
Tell that to my legs and feet that ache and burn like I'm being burned alive. Tell that to me when I can't even stand to stand up because the pain is so bad.
And what now? I start teaching on Monday. Student teachers don't get time off... we don't get sick days. The lady said to keep taking the medicine (Lyrica) that they gave me for my legs. First of all, that's the one they gave me a 14 day supply of--so if I want to keep taking it, I'm going to have to pay $50 a month for it... and it's NOT even helping--not at all.
The other solution is to go see a neurologist.
Fine. Except when you go see someone like that, it's not just a one time visit to find out you have the flu. There's an introductory visit where they get all your history. They may order some tests. Then they try this and that and see if they can figure out the cause of the pain. It's not a one appointment visit--it's an ongoing process that could take 5 or 10 or more appointments.
For a person who gets NO sick days--I can't take 5 or 10 days off. I just can't.
Which means, basically, I have to wait until May.
And the pain is so bad that I don't know how I can wait that long. It is so painful today that I don't think I could teach all day--and this is not even the worst it's been.
I'm just so frustrated and... beat down. Disappointed. I don't even have words to describe how I feel... but to be told over and over that I'm fine when I feel some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.... and then not have anything to help make the pain better... I just can't do it anymore. ='(
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I don't know how to get by until May. I just don't know. I'm sick of it all. I want a life without pain. Even if I had back pain, but could get through student teaching without all these other issues (flu, leg/foot pain, sleep problems...).
I am CONSTANTLY getting hit with one more medical problem--and it's always at the worst possible time. I told my friend Candice yesterday... we were sitting working on class... and I said "I can't imagine how it feels to go through college without extreme pain. I can't imagine how wonderful it must be."
That's how I feel. I've fought through the pain. I've done well in school and still found the energy to not only have friends, but volunteer my time and be a leader in several organizations. But the whole time I've felt pretty lousy... I can't imagine how different it would have been if I had felt good. I could've done so much more...
And now as I think about my final task--student teaching... I just want to cry. I am so excited. But I'm terrified... because not only do I have to try to face it with my back problems... and sleep problems... but also this unknown problem that I can't get an ounce of relief for.
=( God, give me strength... I need it so badly right now...
--------------------------
Happy birthday, dad! <3
I am so incredibly frustrated right now that all I can do is sit here and cry.
The test on Tuesday ended up being extremely painful. Other people said it wasn't... I don't know why, but it was very painful for me. It is not something I ever want to repeat again!
--------------------------
So yesterday I spent the day in Madison. I finished my class, got my A... and helped a few friends try to finish their stuff. It was a long day. I didn't eat lunch and had some issues with sharp pain in my stomach in the afternoon. I don't think those two are related... I don't eat lunch most days I am in Madison. But the pain eventually went away. I got home around 5:30 pm.
--------------------------
Last night I went to Bible study. It's a group that I actually had tried to go to last semester... so I tried in September, but it was too soon post-surgery, and it just didn't happen. Then I got involved with IV again, and that was it. So I was finally able to go to this Bible study last night. It's a group of people who are out of college but are still young... 20s-30s
I really enjoyed the study, and everyone there was so nice. I do love my college friends, but it's nice to move away from the college ministry stage and into whatever this stage is called! The Bible study was good and the fellowship was awesome. Felt good to get back into a Bible study! Looking forward to next week. I was joking with Jess that I was sure all my IV friends thought the Bible study was a fake and didn't exist. I kept telling them about this new Bible study I was going to be going to... and week after week I couldn't make it. So last night I was finally able to go and prove that they are real! haha :)
--------------------------
So today I had a free day since I am finished with class. I've just been hanging out at home in my PJs working on some stuff. Right now I'm working on letters to some teachers who have influenced me and been wonderful support. Tomorrow I am going to Madison to meet with two people (my advisor and the field placement director) and pass out these letters. I probably won't catch most teachers, so I'll just leave them in their mailboxes. I'm also having lunch with a friend. It'll be the last trip I have to take to Madison until the very end of March!
--------------------------
Today this lady called from the clinic (I'm not sure what her title is, but she's like... an assistant for my doctor). The test on Tuesday came back normal.
Okay... FRUSTRATING!
Here's the thing. I don't want the results to come back and show some serious, life threatening condition. Obviously, I was never hoping for that.
But now what? According to all three tests, there's nothing wrong with me--I'm totally fine.
Tell that to my legs and feet that ache and burn like I'm being burned alive. Tell that to me when I can't even stand to stand up because the pain is so bad.
And what now? I start teaching on Monday. Student teachers don't get time off... we don't get sick days. The lady said to keep taking the medicine (Lyrica) that they gave me for my legs. First of all, that's the one they gave me a 14 day supply of--so if I want to keep taking it, I'm going to have to pay $50 a month for it... and it's NOT even helping--not at all.
The other solution is to go see a neurologist.
Fine. Except when you go see someone like that, it's not just a one time visit to find out you have the flu. There's an introductory visit where they get all your history. They may order some tests. Then they try this and that and see if they can figure out the cause of the pain. It's not a one appointment visit--it's an ongoing process that could take 5 or 10 or more appointments.
For a person who gets NO sick days--I can't take 5 or 10 days off. I just can't.
Which means, basically, I have to wait until May.
And the pain is so bad that I don't know how I can wait that long. It is so painful today that I don't think I could teach all day--and this is not even the worst it's been.
I'm just so frustrated and... beat down. Disappointed. I don't even have words to describe how I feel... but to be told over and over that I'm fine when I feel some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.... and then not have anything to help make the pain better... I just can't do it anymore. ='(
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with the pain. I don't know how to get by until May. I just don't know. I'm sick of it all. I want a life without pain. Even if I had back pain, but could get through student teaching without all these other issues (flu, leg/foot pain, sleep problems...).
I am CONSTANTLY getting hit with one more medical problem--and it's always at the worst possible time. I told my friend Candice yesterday... we were sitting working on class... and I said "I can't imagine how it feels to go through college without extreme pain. I can't imagine how wonderful it must be."
That's how I feel. I've fought through the pain. I've done well in school and still found the energy to not only have friends, but volunteer my time and be a leader in several organizations. But the whole time I've felt pretty lousy... I can't imagine how different it would have been if I had felt good. I could've done so much more...
And now as I think about my final task--student teaching... I just want to cry. I am so excited. But I'm terrified... because not only do I have to try to face it with my back problems... and sleep problems... but also this unknown problem that I can't get an ounce of relief for.
=( God, give me strength... I need it so badly right now...
--------------------------
Happy birthday, dad! <3
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Nerve conduction study...
Leaving in just a little bit to go to Sioux Falls for the nerve conduction study.
I'm a bit nervous. Not so much nervous about the pain, though I'm not looking forward to that either. I've heard it really isn't that painful... but I already have so much pain in my legs today that we'll see.
I'm more worried about the results. Will there be something serious wrong? Or will the results show nothing and lead me back to square 1... where nobody can figure out what is wrong or how to fix it.
I'm trying to not worry, because I know that does absolutely no good. Just can't help it though.
I have read a lot about the test online and what kinds of things it can show... but I can't find anywhere that tells how fast the results come. Is it automatic--as they are doing the test they can see the results in the wavelength things? Does it take a few days? Weeks? Will this just mean more tests to find a more specific diagnosis?
I'm not sure.. but I'll know more in a few hours, hopefully. I'm going to finish getting ready... the pain is worse today than it has been... so maybe that will help the results somehow. We'll see. I'll probably update when I know more...
I'm a bit nervous. Not so much nervous about the pain, though I'm not looking forward to that either. I've heard it really isn't that painful... but I already have so much pain in my legs today that we'll see.
I'm more worried about the results. Will there be something serious wrong? Or will the results show nothing and lead me back to square 1... where nobody can figure out what is wrong or how to fix it.
I'm trying to not worry, because I know that does absolutely no good. Just can't help it though.
I have read a lot about the test online and what kinds of things it can show... but I can't find anywhere that tells how fast the results come. Is it automatic--as they are doing the test they can see the results in the wavelength things? Does it take a few days? Weeks? Will this just mean more tests to find a more specific diagnosis?
I'm not sure.. but I'll know more in a few hours, hopefully. I'm going to finish getting ready... the pain is worse today than it has been... so maybe that will help the results somehow. We'll see. I'll probably update when I know more...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Feeling absolutely terrible..
I can't quite figure out how to describe in words quite how horribly I am feeling today. What a week it has been! I haven't gone this long without updating in awhile.
Class kept me pretty busy all week. We were told that after Tuesday, coming to class was not required. We could work on the projects at our own pace... we just had to get 555 points to earn an A. However, the teacher made it very clear that if you don't show up to class, don't bother e-mailing him with questions. So... since I have never used all these programs and have had questions, I pretty much had to go.
We've had quite a bit of bad weather this week. Our seminar on Wednesday was postponed for a week because it was really bad outside. I ended up staying in Madison Thursday night so I could make it to class on Friday and not have to drive again. That was a good decision--the roads were not very fun. It could have been worse... but it was extremely foggy, raining (freezing rain at times), windy, and slippery. Not so fun!
The pain and burning in my legs and feet has eased up a bit, though it is still there. I am going to Sioux Falls to the hospital on Tuesday for the nerve conduction study. I am a bit nervous that it'll be for nothing and the results won't be helpful since the pain isn't as horrible right now. Not that I wish for more pain, but it may affect the results.
Thursday was a very long day for me... I woke up at 5:30 to get to Madison to class by 8. I was busy all day long... and didn't even get to Laura's where I was staying until almost 11 pm. Then we wanted to catch up, so we were up until 3 am talking. I got 3 hours of sleep before I was awake and getting ready for class again!
Luckily, yesterday I was able to get back to Brookings by 1 pm--it was not a full day for me. Running on 3 hours of sleep is not easy, especially with how exhausted I've been.
When I woke up yesterday, I wasn't feeling the greatest. I figured that I was just really tired from a lack of sleep. Then I took some medicine on am empty stomach because I didn't think I could handle eating anything. All day I just felt kinda sick. I realized that I was really dehydrated, which didn't help. I had all the symptoms of dehydration. It makes sense, because I only like VERY cold water with lots of ice... and when I am gone from 6:45 am until 6 pm, I can't keep water cold that long. I wasn't drinking enough all week while I was in Madison. I tried hard to force myself to drink lots last night, but my stomach was only able to handle so much. I haven't rehydrated yet--I can tell because I still have all the symptons and a nasty headache. I also have a fever, and just don't feel good at all. Hopefully I will be better by Monday!
I have also had some bad back pain the last few days and I just feel so incredibly run down and horrible. I don't think the majority of people I know (especially my college student friends) realize how lucky they are to live each day with minimal pain and sickness. My life would be SO different without pain... I would get so much more done and can't even imagine where I'd be right now.
So, as I said, for my class... we have to get 555 points to get an A in the class. We choose from this long list of projects. There is a point value based on the difficulty... some are 5 points, 10 points, 25 points, 50 points, 75 points, and 100 points.
I started off the class by doing a 100 point project, which was smart. I've done a lot of the 10 and 25 point projects because the 100 point projects are HOURS (5-10) of work...
As of right now, I have turned in 440 points. The frustrating part is this--everything is due Wednesday, and nothing has been graded. I could do 555 points of projects, and then get points off for silly things and not get my A. It would be nice to know where I am at for grades! So I have 3 projects left to finish (and a 5 point final, which is not really going to affect my grade either way). Once I am done with those 3 projects, I will have turned in 620 points. That means I have an extra 65 points, so I can get docked a lot of points and still get an A. Since the teacher hasn't bothered to start grading, that's the only way to be sure I can get my A.
The project I am working on right now is pretty easy--it's a smartboard activity. Then I have a 100 point project to do that will take quite some time... it's a Google Earth project. And finally, a CMAP portfolio that will also take a bit of time. I am hoping to get it all done (minus any problems/questions I run into) by Monday so I can go to class Monday morning and get help and turn it all in. That way I can skip class the rest of the week until the final on Friday. We'll see if that actually happens or not.
If you'd like to see my projects, you can go here:
http://students.dsu.edu/smnelson1458/EDFN465/EDFN465.htm
The ones that are hyperlinked are the ones that I have completed. Some of them you may not be able to see because you may not have the software on your computer. The ones still in black are the ones I am working on.
I am ready to be done with this class and start student teaching. I am getting more worried every day about teaching... I cannot even tell you in words how I feel today... it's like I was run over by a truck... and that was just from a short, 3 days of class. I worry about how I will do... and how my body will handle... full weeks of teaching. I guess all I can do is pray about it and do what I can to take care of myself. It's scary, though... this is a big deal... and it costs a lot to student teach. The last thing I want is to get halfway through and physically not be able to handle it, and have to stop. Then I wouldn't ever get my degree. I'm hoping it goes smoother than I imagine it will.
On top of these projects and finishing class... I have to prepare for student teaching. Also, in addition, I have to have a rough draft of my contextual factors sent to Dr. Pauli next week. Contextual factors have always confused me... and I struggle with them. Especially 2-3 PAGES of them. Oye. That's why I hope I can finish this class very soon--so I can work on those and hopefully have next weekend to just RELAX before teaching starts. We'll see.
So I feel like this whole entry was a big complaint... that was definitely not my goal. This class is a bit stressful, and my body is rebelling because it is under so much stress. To be up and going for over 12 hours a day is a lot for anyone... but to do that on top of not one, but several different types of pain... my body is screaming "I hate you!! Can't you just rest and give me a break???" Unfortunately, body, that's not an option.
As always, there are lots of good things in my life. I was able to catch up with a lot of good friends this week... and that was fun. My financial aid refund came in yesterday, so I am relieved about that... There are good things all around--they just get overshadowed by all the difficult and painful things.
Alright, back at it. I want to finish my smartboard activity and turn it in so I can start trying to figure out this Google Earth thing. Hopefully I can have a productive day and start to feel better!
Class kept me pretty busy all week. We were told that after Tuesday, coming to class was not required. We could work on the projects at our own pace... we just had to get 555 points to earn an A. However, the teacher made it very clear that if you don't show up to class, don't bother e-mailing him with questions. So... since I have never used all these programs and have had questions, I pretty much had to go.
We've had quite a bit of bad weather this week. Our seminar on Wednesday was postponed for a week because it was really bad outside. I ended up staying in Madison Thursday night so I could make it to class on Friday and not have to drive again. That was a good decision--the roads were not very fun. It could have been worse... but it was extremely foggy, raining (freezing rain at times), windy, and slippery. Not so fun!
The pain and burning in my legs and feet has eased up a bit, though it is still there. I am going to Sioux Falls to the hospital on Tuesday for the nerve conduction study. I am a bit nervous that it'll be for nothing and the results won't be helpful since the pain isn't as horrible right now. Not that I wish for more pain, but it may affect the results.
Thursday was a very long day for me... I woke up at 5:30 to get to Madison to class by 8. I was busy all day long... and didn't even get to Laura's where I was staying until almost 11 pm. Then we wanted to catch up, so we were up until 3 am talking. I got 3 hours of sleep before I was awake and getting ready for class again!
Luckily, yesterday I was able to get back to Brookings by 1 pm--it was not a full day for me. Running on 3 hours of sleep is not easy, especially with how exhausted I've been.
When I woke up yesterday, I wasn't feeling the greatest. I figured that I was just really tired from a lack of sleep. Then I took some medicine on am empty stomach because I didn't think I could handle eating anything. All day I just felt kinda sick. I realized that I was really dehydrated, which didn't help. I had all the symptoms of dehydration. It makes sense, because I only like VERY cold water with lots of ice... and when I am gone from 6:45 am until 6 pm, I can't keep water cold that long. I wasn't drinking enough all week while I was in Madison. I tried hard to force myself to drink lots last night, but my stomach was only able to handle so much. I haven't rehydrated yet--I can tell because I still have all the symptons and a nasty headache. I also have a fever, and just don't feel good at all. Hopefully I will be better by Monday!
I have also had some bad back pain the last few days and I just feel so incredibly run down and horrible. I don't think the majority of people I know (especially my college student friends) realize how lucky they are to live each day with minimal pain and sickness. My life would be SO different without pain... I would get so much more done and can't even imagine where I'd be right now.
So, as I said, for my class... we have to get 555 points to get an A in the class. We choose from this long list of projects. There is a point value based on the difficulty... some are 5 points, 10 points, 25 points, 50 points, 75 points, and 100 points.
I started off the class by doing a 100 point project, which was smart. I've done a lot of the 10 and 25 point projects because the 100 point projects are HOURS (5-10) of work...
As of right now, I have turned in 440 points. The frustrating part is this--everything is due Wednesday, and nothing has been graded. I could do 555 points of projects, and then get points off for silly things and not get my A. It would be nice to know where I am at for grades! So I have 3 projects left to finish (and a 5 point final, which is not really going to affect my grade either way). Once I am done with those 3 projects, I will have turned in 620 points. That means I have an extra 65 points, so I can get docked a lot of points and still get an A. Since the teacher hasn't bothered to start grading, that's the only way to be sure I can get my A.
The project I am working on right now is pretty easy--it's a smartboard activity. Then I have a 100 point project to do that will take quite some time... it's a Google Earth project. And finally, a CMAP portfolio that will also take a bit of time. I am hoping to get it all done (minus any problems/questions I run into) by Monday so I can go to class Monday morning and get help and turn it all in. That way I can skip class the rest of the week until the final on Friday. We'll see if that actually happens or not.
If you'd like to see my projects, you can go here:
http://students.dsu.edu/smnelson1458/EDFN465/EDFN465.htm
The ones that are hyperlinked are the ones that I have completed. Some of them you may not be able to see because you may not have the software on your computer. The ones still in black are the ones I am working on.
I am ready to be done with this class and start student teaching. I am getting more worried every day about teaching... I cannot even tell you in words how I feel today... it's like I was run over by a truck... and that was just from a short, 3 days of class. I worry about how I will do... and how my body will handle... full weeks of teaching. I guess all I can do is pray about it and do what I can to take care of myself. It's scary, though... this is a big deal... and it costs a lot to student teach. The last thing I want is to get halfway through and physically not be able to handle it, and have to stop. Then I wouldn't ever get my degree. I'm hoping it goes smoother than I imagine it will.
On top of these projects and finishing class... I have to prepare for student teaching. Also, in addition, I have to have a rough draft of my contextual factors sent to Dr. Pauli next week. Contextual factors have always confused me... and I struggle with them. Especially 2-3 PAGES of them. Oye. That's why I hope I can finish this class very soon--so I can work on those and hopefully have next weekend to just RELAX before teaching starts. We'll see.
So I feel like this whole entry was a big complaint... that was definitely not my goal. This class is a bit stressful, and my body is rebelling because it is under so much stress. To be up and going for over 12 hours a day is a lot for anyone... but to do that on top of not one, but several different types of pain... my body is screaming "I hate you!! Can't you just rest and give me a break???" Unfortunately, body, that's not an option.
As always, there are lots of good things in my life. I was able to catch up with a lot of good friends this week... and that was fun. My financial aid refund came in yesterday, so I am relieved about that... There are good things all around--they just get overshadowed by all the difficult and painful things.
Alright, back at it. I want to finish my smartboard activity and turn it in so I can start trying to figure out this Google Earth thing. Hopefully I can have a productive day and start to feel better!
Monday, January 18, 2010
GRRRR! :(
I'm frustrated. Not that this should be news to anyone.. but.. ugh.
I don't feel like getting into all of it. So here's my Facebook status:
Sarah Mae Nelson is really frustrated that the doctor doesn't know why I am having pain and can't do a single thing to fix it.. which means I live with the pain until I can go have a nerve conduction study done.. which sounds horribly painful.. not to mention I don't have time to go to the hospital for one!!! Just what I want to do.. e...ither live with the pain or go get a ton of needles stuck in me and be shocked.. how wonderful. Ugh!
And on top of that.. the insurance company still won't give me the Provigil, and my doctor can't really do anything about it. So instead he's putting me on Ritalin... which is used to treat ADD and narcolepsy. Apparently it is a stimulant and will help me stay awake during the day. We'll see about that...
I'm just frustrated. My feet are killing me.. and I don't have time to go to the hospital and have this stupid test done. If I can find a time, I have to not eat or drink until the test, and I couldn't go til mid afternoon at least. Plus I will have to prepare for the test the day before, and I just don't have the energy!
I just want to scream and cry. But I'm so exhausted, I can't.
I don't understand how so many of my friends can go through life and never have more than a headache or the flu... and every single time I turn around, it's something else.
I hate it. And I just want to feel better.
I don't feel like getting into all of it. So here's my Facebook status:
Sarah Mae Nelson is really frustrated that the doctor doesn't know why I am having pain and can't do a single thing to fix it.. which means I live with the pain until I can go have a nerve conduction study done.. which sounds horribly painful.. not to mention I don't have time to go to the hospital for one!!! Just what I want to do.. e...ither live with the pain or go get a ton of needles stuck in me and be shocked.. how wonderful. Ugh!
And on top of that.. the insurance company still won't give me the Provigil, and my doctor can't really do anything about it. So instead he's putting me on Ritalin... which is used to treat ADD and narcolepsy. Apparently it is a stimulant and will help me stay awake during the day. We'll see about that...
I'm just frustrated. My feet are killing me.. and I don't have time to go to the hospital and have this stupid test done. If I can find a time, I have to not eat or drink until the test, and I couldn't go til mid afternoon at least. Plus I will have to prepare for the test the day before, and I just don't have the energy!
I just want to scream and cry. But I'm so exhausted, I can't.
I don't understand how so many of my friends can go through life and never have more than a headache or the flu... and every single time I turn around, it's something else.
I hate it. And I just want to feel better.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Shopping trip
Yesterday was a very exhausting day, but fun. My mom and I headed to Sioux Falls around 1 to get clothes for student teaching. I needed to use the $350 voucher from Voc Rehab because it expires at the end of January.
We had a few things we needed to do and so we didn't end up getting there until about 2:30 or maybe even a little later... but it was good. We were there for about 3 hours shopping, trying on things, and whatnot. Crazy!
I had never been to the store before.. but when I walked in, I saw that there was not just one, but several (5 or so) racks that were 60% off! And that was 60% off with most being an already reduced price. So the first thing I did was grab something in the size I thought I was... and the size down... I went to try them on, and was very happy when I fit into the smaller size!! :) Woohoo! 111 lbs lost and down a couple of sizes! :)
So once I knew what size I was, I looked at all the stuff on the 60% off racks. There was so much cute stuff! I liked that stuff better than some that was not at all on sale and was the "new, in style" stuff. :) I loved how the store organized racks--it was by size... at places like Walmart, everything of the same type is thrown on one rack and it's sad to find something you love and then see that it's not available in your size. So that was neat to not have to deal with that at all. I found soooo many cute things! I had found a ton of shirts and only one pair of pants... and I knew I would need (or like to have) at least 5 pairs of pants so laundry wouldn't have to be done every single night! So we asked the lady working there if she could add up what we had so far, so I could see how much I had for pants. The vouches was for $350... I was sure that I was already over $250... I was very shocked when my mom told me that it was only $125!!!
So we quick finished looking at the 60% off racks and then moved on to pants. Obviously pants (that are not on sale) are pretty expensive... but I found two pairs that were $20 each (normally $36 each) and then found some that were about $45 but 25% off. I think I only paid full price for one thing--one pair of pants that were $48.
We kept adding to our total.. and she would say $80 left... $50 left... etc.. it was funny! It was SO HARD to use up $350! Only because of all the sales--otherwise it would have been very easy. I got 4 huge bags full of stuff--5 pairs of pants and 14 shirts. It's all very cute... and the best part is that I only had to pay $1.14 for it all!
The only problem is that she didn't know how to process the voucher. The manager had to do it.. so her solution was that they would ship the stuff out on Tuesday. Okay, but the problem is that I need to dress up on Wednesday and Thursday for seminars. So eventually my mom and I decided that we'd come back Monday to pick them up.
I had plans to meet with 3 friends in Sioux Falls on Monday. One of those friends I haven't seen in so long, so I was so excited! The problem is, my pain isn't any better. I don't feel safe driving an hour each way when the pain is this bad. It was bad enough to drive to Madison for school. (I realize I will have to do that Tuesday--I'm worried about that as well). So my mom said she'd drive me down... and while I'm hanging out, take a nap in the car or something... and then we could go get my clothes. If we did that, we'd want to leave here at 12 or 1 and get going early afternoon so we could get back. Well I just saw today on Facebook that one of the girls can't hang out til 3. So I don't think it's going to work out for me to hang out with them. I sent a message to Liz (the one I haven't seen in so long) explaining the situation.. and asking if there was any way her and I could get together earlier and just catch up one on one... because I don't think I can wait until 3. I haven't heard back from her yet, so we'll see.
I am really frustrated that my pain is still this bad. It's gotten worse since I've seen the doctor. He can't really figure out what it is... he said there is a slight possibility it may be a viral infection (which aren't treatable with antibiotics).. but he also said the blood work showed no infection. So I think he's just saying that's what it is because he can't figure out what it truly is.
The thing is.. the pain is so so so bad... the pain is bad... but the burning is the worst feeling I've ever felt in the world. It literally feels like I'm burning alive from the inside out. I wish I could have the people around me feel it for two minutes because nobody seems to understand how intense this is. Burning sensations are symptoms for a LOT of conditions. I just want to break down into tears and scream... because I hurt so bad and can't do anything to help. We (well, mostly my mom) fought so hard to get the Lyrica... and it helped the first two days.. and now it's not helping the pain AT ALL.. not even for 5 minutes. I don't know what to do. Will probably have to go back to the doctor this week, and dreading that... :(
School is going well so far. I have started on several projects for my class. I've finished a couple and have some that are more than half done. It's really interesting... most of the people in our class have learned this stuff in one of Dr. Geary's classes before. Since I've never had him, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. I have to try to learn it all on my own... the days we aren't required to come to class, I may end up going since I may need his help. I don't mind driving--if I need help. I just don't want to go that far if I can do it from home.
I am so exhausted... still haven't made any progress on the Provigil (medicine to help me stay awake during the day). I had such a hard time last night staying awake and talking. After we got my clothes, we stopped by the mall really quick... and then we went to Applebees and had supper with Carla. It's bad when I can't even finish sentences I started... I was in a daze and exhausted. I also didn't really enjoy my food and hardly ate any... and paid the bill... so it was an expensive few bites for me. Was fun though... we were there for a few hours, and didn't get home til... 11 or so? I don't remember for sure what time it was... but it was late. Was a long and tiring day.
I am about ready to fall asleep right now. I'm going to attempt to read a bit, but I may crash and fall asleep. We'll see!
We had a few things we needed to do and so we didn't end up getting there until about 2:30 or maybe even a little later... but it was good. We were there for about 3 hours shopping, trying on things, and whatnot. Crazy!
I had never been to the store before.. but when I walked in, I saw that there was not just one, but several (5 or so) racks that were 60% off! And that was 60% off with most being an already reduced price. So the first thing I did was grab something in the size I thought I was... and the size down... I went to try them on, and was very happy when I fit into the smaller size!! :) Woohoo! 111 lbs lost and down a couple of sizes! :)
So once I knew what size I was, I looked at all the stuff on the 60% off racks. There was so much cute stuff! I liked that stuff better than some that was not at all on sale and was the "new, in style" stuff. :) I loved how the store organized racks--it was by size... at places like Walmart, everything of the same type is thrown on one rack and it's sad to find something you love and then see that it's not available in your size. So that was neat to not have to deal with that at all. I found soooo many cute things! I had found a ton of shirts and only one pair of pants... and I knew I would need (or like to have) at least 5 pairs of pants so laundry wouldn't have to be done every single night! So we asked the lady working there if she could add up what we had so far, so I could see how much I had for pants. The vouches was for $350... I was sure that I was already over $250... I was very shocked when my mom told me that it was only $125!!!
So we quick finished looking at the 60% off racks and then moved on to pants. Obviously pants (that are not on sale) are pretty expensive... but I found two pairs that were $20 each (normally $36 each) and then found some that were about $45 but 25% off. I think I only paid full price for one thing--one pair of pants that were $48.
We kept adding to our total.. and she would say $80 left... $50 left... etc.. it was funny! It was SO HARD to use up $350! Only because of all the sales--otherwise it would have been very easy. I got 4 huge bags full of stuff--5 pairs of pants and 14 shirts. It's all very cute... and the best part is that I only had to pay $1.14 for it all!
The only problem is that she didn't know how to process the voucher. The manager had to do it.. so her solution was that they would ship the stuff out on Tuesday. Okay, but the problem is that I need to dress up on Wednesday and Thursday for seminars. So eventually my mom and I decided that we'd come back Monday to pick them up.
I had plans to meet with 3 friends in Sioux Falls on Monday. One of those friends I haven't seen in so long, so I was so excited! The problem is, my pain isn't any better. I don't feel safe driving an hour each way when the pain is this bad. It was bad enough to drive to Madison for school. (I realize I will have to do that Tuesday--I'm worried about that as well). So my mom said she'd drive me down... and while I'm hanging out, take a nap in the car or something... and then we could go get my clothes. If we did that, we'd want to leave here at 12 or 1 and get going early afternoon so we could get back. Well I just saw today on Facebook that one of the girls can't hang out til 3. So I don't think it's going to work out for me to hang out with them. I sent a message to Liz (the one I haven't seen in so long) explaining the situation.. and asking if there was any way her and I could get together earlier and just catch up one on one... because I don't think I can wait until 3. I haven't heard back from her yet, so we'll see.
I am really frustrated that my pain is still this bad. It's gotten worse since I've seen the doctor. He can't really figure out what it is... he said there is a slight possibility it may be a viral infection (which aren't treatable with antibiotics).. but he also said the blood work showed no infection. So I think he's just saying that's what it is because he can't figure out what it truly is.
The thing is.. the pain is so so so bad... the pain is bad... but the burning is the worst feeling I've ever felt in the world. It literally feels like I'm burning alive from the inside out. I wish I could have the people around me feel it for two minutes because nobody seems to understand how intense this is. Burning sensations are symptoms for a LOT of conditions. I just want to break down into tears and scream... because I hurt so bad and can't do anything to help. We (well, mostly my mom) fought so hard to get the Lyrica... and it helped the first two days.. and now it's not helping the pain AT ALL.. not even for 5 minutes. I don't know what to do. Will probably have to go back to the doctor this week, and dreading that... :(
School is going well so far. I have started on several projects for my class. I've finished a couple and have some that are more than half done. It's really interesting... most of the people in our class have learned this stuff in one of Dr. Geary's classes before. Since I've never had him, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. I have to try to learn it all on my own... the days we aren't required to come to class, I may end up going since I may need his help. I don't mind driving--if I need help. I just don't want to go that far if I can do it from home.
I am so exhausted... still haven't made any progress on the Provigil (medicine to help me stay awake during the day). I had such a hard time last night staying awake and talking. After we got my clothes, we stopped by the mall really quick... and then we went to Applebees and had supper with Carla. It's bad when I can't even finish sentences I started... I was in a daze and exhausted. I also didn't really enjoy my food and hardly ate any... and paid the bill... so it was an expensive few bites for me. Was fun though... we were there for a few hours, and didn't get home til... 11 or so? I don't remember for sure what time it was... but it was late. Was a long and tiring day.
I am about ready to fall asleep right now. I'm going to attempt to read a bit, but I may crash and fall asleep. We'll see!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
